(I'm Aquaman now BITCH! Also, I invented Thirsty Thursday)
So it's been a while since I've done one of my world famous 'Spotlights'... it's also been a while since I've been on planet Earth and/or in a dimension that has the 'internet' so fuck all ya'll. Also, I got Direct TV up in the 'ol Fortress of Solitude so I've been watching every TV show ever... let me say, I love me some COPS. Anyway, like I just typed like two lines ago, I'm going to put down some words about our least favorite king of the seas. First off... KING OF THE SEAS? Yeah right buddy. I could say I was King of the Moon and people would care more. Seriously, humans stopped caring about the ocean when they invented the plane, because honestly anyone can swim, NO ONE can fly.
(It's called desalinization... idiot)
So I'm sure all of you are like "who the fuck is Aquaman"? Understandable, since he's like the wimpiest wimp on the surface world. For some reason we let him on to the Justice League. I think it was back in the day when there was like five super heroes, and we needed a sixth for more balanced board game nights (remember it was the 50s, there was no gangster rap, Jersey Shore, or internet yet, so like no crime). Anyway, only after we let him on the team did we determine his only power is being super useless. Seriously, the crumb bum talks to fish, is like a good swimmer, and can breath underwater. LAME.
(Yeah, I was hammered. Don't know what his excuse was)
I met King dingus many years ago during a fishing trip. That's right true believers, Big Blue here likes works the rod like a pro... wait... fuck. Anyway, I like to fish. Ya'know just kind of coast above the water, shoot heat rays at will, and see what floats to the surface. It's like way easier than using a fishing pole or some shit.
(Christmas is right around the corner folks!)
Anyhoo... Fishy Boy caught wind of like half the ocean getting blown apart by eye lasers and he wasn't all that pleased. Since he's an idiot, he comes at me full force, riding on top of his stupid giant seahorse clad in orange chainmail and green spandex looking like some sort of pride parade float. Since his tactic of making me laugh to death and/or feel bad for him backfired, I beat his ass into oblivion.
(Intimidation at its finest folks...)
After begging me for mercy, he offered to make me King of Atlantis (true story). I said, and I quote "Naw dog, shit's for pussies. How about you come work for me". He was so enamored with my muscles and ability to do cool things (like read!) he agreed. Now, whenever someone sends me an email, Aquaman reads it. He also gets me my coffee, walks Krypto, and shits in brown paper bags and leaves them on the steps of Wayne Manor. All of this because one day I ruined his friends and kicked his ass. All ya'll say bullying is bad too... pfffttttt
