Nu-Year Nu-Me (Naaah)

Wha-huh? Where am I? Who are you people?

LOL, JK. I was just trying to punk ya'll. I know exactly what this is... it's my stupid blog that I forgot about. Let's see what's happend since we last left off:

1 - They released that dumbass Man of Steel movie despite my multiple strongly worded letters. It sucked. Evreyone thought it sucked... AND I didn't see a zod-damn dime! I did like the part when I broke that jabroni Zod's neck though. Haha, all the nerds were like "ooohhh nooo Superman wouldn't do that!" Newsflash: I can, and I will... especially if that jabroni Snyder makes me lose to Bruce in his new turd that's coming out.

(lol, say uncle, nerd)

2 - Donald Trump is a legit presidential candidate... Really people? REALLY?! For farts sake, this guy is a crappy version of Luthor. He's got bad hair, has a bunch of money, hates immigrants... I'm almost 100% Bruce is trolling me with this loser. Make America great again? Bunch of BS. I'd like to see Trump take down Titano while simultaneously pretending to be a doofus who works at a newspaper. He can't, because he's an idiot along with the rest of the jamokes running for president who specifically are not me. Write in Superman 2016!

(see? SEEEEEE?!)

That's pretty much it, right? Nothing else has happened in the last few years or so right? Surely nothing as important as what I was doing (which was totally not getting locked in box by a bunch of Don Draper rip-offs).

(Last time I ever try to out drink an ad man)

Whatever, I'm back... at least until I forget to force Jimmy to pay my cable bill again.

You Aren't Batman

So this morning when I was at the office "doing work" (i.e. Staring out the window or at Lois' rack), Jimmy brought a news article to my attention. At first I thought this had something to do with actual work, seeing as I'm a reporter or something, so I instantly asked Jimmy to shove off and go get bent, and other such terms of endearment. Then, like twenty minutes later, I was bored and my eyes happened to fall on this aforementioned article, which you can find here (Idiot does Stupid Things). Immediately  I was engrossed by how stupid this idiot looked:

At first I figured it was some jackass that Bruce found and slapped a mask on in an attempt to make him his new ward or whatever the fuck he calls it. Then I realized he was too old for Bruce (snap!). Using my incredible detective skills lead me to believe that this man was indeed an actual real life idiot. Now kids, being a super hero is fun, easy, and gets you laid like the quarterback on prom night after he saves the planet from Mongul. However, if you don't have the ability to like shoot lasers from your eyes while getting shot with a cannon and throwing a mountain at someone, then I wouldn't recommend it. Not because it's unsafe, not because you'd make my 'job' a million times easier, but because you'd steal a large percentage of my heroing pussy.

Seriously though, don't fight crime. I don't want to get stuck with Aquaman's sloppy seconds... again...

Super Spotlight 6: A Fish Called Arthur

(I'm Aquaman now BITCH! Also, I invented Thirsty Thursday)

So it's been a while since I've done one of my world famous 'Spotlights'... it's also been a while since I've been on planet Earth and/or in a dimension that has the 'internet' so fuck all ya'll. Also, I got Direct TV up in the 'ol Fortress of Solitude so I've been watching every TV show ever... let me say, I love me some COPS. Anyway, like I just typed like two lines ago, I'm going to put down some words about our least favorite king of the seas. First off... KING OF THE SEAS? Yeah right buddy. I could say I was King of the Moon and people would care more. Seriously, humans stopped caring about the ocean when they invented the plane, because honestly anyone can swim, NO ONE can fly.

(It's called desalinization... idiot)

So I'm sure all of you are like "who the fuck is Aquaman"? Understandable, since he's like the wimpiest wimp on the surface world. For some reason we let him on to the Justice League. I think it was back in the day when there was like five super heroes, and we needed a sixth for more balanced board game nights (remember it was the 50s, there was no gangster rap, Jersey Shore, or internet yet, so like no crime). Anyway, only after we let him on the team did we determine his only power is being super useless. Seriously, the crumb bum talks to fish, is like a good swimmer, and can breath underwater. LAME.

(Yeah, I was hammered. Don't know what his excuse was)

I met King dingus many years ago during a fishing trip. That's right true believers, Big Blue here likes works the rod like a pro... wait... fuck. Anyway, I like to fish. Ya'know just kind of coast above the water, shoot heat rays at will, and see what floats to the surface. It's like way easier than using a fishing pole or some shit.

(Christmas is right around the corner folks!)

Anyhoo... Fishy Boy caught wind of like half the ocean getting blown apart by eye lasers and he wasn't all that pleased. Since he's an idiot, he comes at me full force, riding on top of his stupid giant seahorse clad in orange chainmail and green spandex looking like some sort of pride parade float. Since his tactic of making me laugh to death and/or feel bad for him backfired, I beat his ass into oblivion.

(Intimidation at its finest folks...)

After begging me for mercy, he offered to make me King of Atlantis (true story). I said, and I quote "Naw dog, shit's for pussies. How about you come work for me". He was so enamored with my muscles and ability to do cool things (like read!) he agreed. Now, whenever someone sends me an email, Aquaman reads it. He also gets me my coffee, walks Krypto, and shits in brown paper bags and leaves them on the steps of Wayne Manor. All of this because one day I ruined his friends and kicked his ass. All ya'll say bullying is bad too... pfffttttt

Haters Gonna Hate

First off. Stop calling/emailing/texting/yelling really loud to me about stopping natural disasters. Ain't shit I can do about hurricanes, Earthquakes, or temperatures being above 100 degrees. First off, if I can't punch it into bits, or fly it's ass into the vacuum of space, I'm not going to put in the effort to stop it. Secondly, stop being such pussies... seriously. Oh no it's raining and windy at the same time... You know how I spent my weekend while all ya'll were too busy hiding from rain? THIS:

That's right, I was fighting a giant... fist... thing? Ya'see I don't mind battling Brainiac in like some freaky-deeky video game world, or embarrassing Luthor day after day by pantsing him while his in a business meeting. However, I'm not like, the Red Cross or some crap. Cat in a tree? Call fucking Batman... or like, the police or something, I don't know. Hurricane got ya down? Not my problem, blame the shifting climate patterns of your shit planet... or learn how to fly and stop burning fossil fuels like a bunch of cavemen. I've honestly got a lot on my plate. I mean, when's the last time someone's spent their millions and billions of dollars on trying to kill you JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE MADE HIM BALD? Seriously, it really gets old.

So next time ya'll are about to flash the gang sign of justice (aka the Superman Signal) think about it. Is it something serious? Something that's going to make me look like a smooth, jacked up pimp? Or is it going to be front page news on Yahoo.crap? I'm here to punch world ending asteroids into world ending robots. I'm not here to teach people how not to get wet (unless it's the ladies WINK!)

Super Down Time

Sup Earth maggots? I bet you're all like "uuhhhh Super-Man, where you been at? I likez your blogz?" Well, idiots, I've saved the planet thrice, and the time stream frice. So, while all ya'll been strachtin' your butts and altering photos of birds so that they have arms (seriously: http://www.iywib.com/birds_with_arms.php), I've been doing shit. I've been so fucking busy that I forgot about the internet completely... actually that might be the Starro attached to me brain, I seem to be forgetting a lot of things recently...

Starro: Everyone is Doing it

Anyway, here's things that may or may not have happened since I went away:

- I left 142 flaming shits on the steps of Wayne Manor. ;)

- I killed a guy... with my BARE FISTS.

- I punched something (give or take 1 million things)

- I was a wrestler. LOL! SO GAY!

- I reversed the spin of the Earth by flying around it super fast to reverse time and prevent myself from eating at Applebees

- I farted.

- I died and then found myself dead. Yeah, it was... alright.

- I saw Larry Crowne (TIME TRAVEL BITCHES!)

- And lastly... I stopped this penny rainbow thief... thing (wtf?)

So as you can see, I was fucking busy. BACK OFF!

Rapture? Yeah Right...

Today Perry gave me an assignment to cover this rapture thing that's supposed to happen on Saturday. At first I was all like, "Fuck no P-Dog, I don't work on Saturday". Then he was all mad and crap (old man rage I like to call it), so I was all like "Fine, but I totally don't even know what a rapture is. Isn't that like a fucking bird or some shit?". Then, out of nowhere, Jimmy 'ginger prime' Olsen pops up and starts ranting about this end of the world, God coming down and saving a couple jerks, and leaving the rest of the flightless fucks here to die. What?! Now I've seen a lot of crazy shit in my day. A short list would include such things as: having a backwards retarded version of myself, being to the end of existence with Booster Gold, and fighting a fucking rainbow.

Just an average day, punchin' rainbows

So I've seen some crazy shit in my day, but even I find it hard to believe that this rapture thing is going to happen. First of all, where's the motivation? If there is anything I know about super villains (and the "God" fellow is screaming villain right now), it's that they need some sort of motivation. This motivation doesn't need to make any sense, but it either A) will profit them somehow or B) has something to do with their costume. Now I have no idea what this God fellow looks like, but judging by his name, Im going to toss out option B...

Stealing S shirts? Hey, at least he's got purpose...

This would leave option A, profit. What the fuck does God have to gain by killing off all of "his people" (pompous jerk) and/or bringing all the rest of them back to his place where he is presumably going to give all these freeloaders room and board. Fuck that. Sounds like bullshit to me. Regardless of what happens this weekend I'm not going to care, and I'm sure as Hell not going to cover the story. Saturday is my day off Perry, I don't fuckin' roll!

 

Even after ya'll are raptured, I'm still gonna be chillin'. Also, I won't have to shave!

Moms Wear Capes Too

So today is Mother's Day, whatever the fuck that means. On Krypton we didn't have any bullshit greeting card holidays (well, besides Krypton Day, Cape Day, Cake Day, and Cake Day II). Despite never celebrating this holiday until I crash landed on this dump about 75 years ago, I've come to garner a certain appreciation for it. I realize my mom is dead, as well as everyone else from my home planet (more or less), but she was pretty bad ass. I mean, she let my Dad put her only son in an experimental rocket to send him to a planet that may/may not even exist... wait, that sounds like terrible parenting...

Mom slapping a ho, Dad approves

First off, nothing gets the ladies more willing to bang your alien brains out than telling them (albiet super cool-like) that your mom is dead. Usually this shit works like 80% of the time, but on Mother's Day this line reaches Kryptonian strength. Combine that with the fact that I'm handsome as shit, and its a done deal.

 Yeah right, like I was even trying to break those chains... women

Secondly, it gives me a chance to burn Brucey boy. See, where I'm 100% over my Mom, Bruce still wakes up in puddles of his own man fluids (all of them) after having nightmares about 'ol Martha Wayne. Every time he knocks around a Joker in a joker mask, or slaps Robin, Batsy is thinking about how much he misses Mommy. I mean, I suppose I could time travel and bring her back to life. Maybe next year, for like a day... hmmm, better yet, I wonder what Martian Manhunter is doing today, I could use his shape-shifting antics. Anyhoo, have a Super Mother's Day ya'll, and don't forget, Moms love booze just as much as yours truly.

 

 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY BRUCE!

Truth, Justice, and America Kicking Ass

So, unless you live in a cave (and aren't Batman) you probably know that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Actually, there are probably a lot of people living in caves who know this shit... fuck that was a terrible analogy. I'll blame Jimmy for that one. Anyway, so remember last week when I renounced my citizenship? That was so I could sneak int Pakistan, tell everyone that I wasn't a narc, then find out where that bearded motherfucker was hiding. Boom, a week later and guess what? Special forces move in and plus that son of a bitch. You know why it took 10 years? They've had Batman on the case. That's right, the guy who's afraid of bullets and doesn't like killing people. What a puss. Oh yeah, he also doesn't have x-ray vision, which makes me one million times better at finding anything, terrorists included.

I taught him everything he knows

So my boy Obama and I partied pretty fucking hard, but then we realized two things. One, we may be out of a job with the biggest terrorist butthole finally toast, and Two we may or may not have created a villain black hole that will only be filled with another villain of equal or greater villainocity. So I came up with a quick list of possible new threats, whilst comparing them to other villainous threats.

He'll be stealing 40 pies in no time...

Donald Trump (Lex Luthor): Let's face it, this one has been brewing for a long time. Obviously, I've had many a run in with the bald spoiled brat Lex, so I know a thing or two about fucking crazy, egotistical millionaires. Much like Lex being jealous of everything that is me (my powers, my muscles, my monstrous krytponian dong, my hair), Trump is jealous of Obama (his seat of power, his smooth voice, his monstrous human dong, his hair). Trump loves gold, hates immigrants, and demands to see hero's birth certificates. This leaves him one suit of power armor away from literally being Lex. I should probably punch his dumb ass out right now.

This isn't photoshopped... at all

 

Kim Jong Il (Dr. Light): Don't know how Dr. Light is? Good. He was this douche of a villain with the power to control light. More or less a Green Lantern without the jewelry and greenness. Not that powerful, not that smart, but he was one sick mother. Basically he liked to get a little too hands-on with female prisoners and heroes. So what did we do? We got our good friend Zatanna to erase his brain. Then when he remembered it all, Specter turned him into a giant candle and melted his ass (I'm serious). Anyway, he reminds me of Kimmy boy. First off, both these guys are crazy as fuck and think that they're the bomb. They both wear jump suits all the time too. Hell, Kim Jong Il claims to only hit hole-in-ones in golf, having played only a handful of times. Much like Dr. Light claiming to have touched Wonder Woman's no-no spot having never actually fought her. Okay Kimmy, keep bragging like that and we'll erase your brain too.

Crazy Sheen and Internet Meme

So, working in an office really blows. I mean, half the time I'm not even working and I still hate the Daily Planet. Actually it's probably more like a fifth of the time I spend there that I'm actually working. A majority of my day I spend: staring at Lois' butt, kicking Jimmy's ass at everything, pretending to type stories when I'm really tweeting, and telling Perry I'm going out to "cover a story" at a local bar/strip joint. Anyway, work sucks, as I've most definitely mention before, so like all you humans I waste a massive amount of time on this thing called the internet.

Exhibit S: The Internet Meme

Recently, and by recently I mean the last ten years, Jimmy has been obsessed with these viral videos and memes. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about... seriously you probably cant even read so I'm not even gonna tell you. Anyway, each week Jimmy comes in with a new group of stupid cat pictures or a video of a baby singing or some trash. Personally I like the videos where people get hit in the face, or fall down and get hit in the nuts. I also like porn, but that's neither here nor there.

Hahaha, nice use of Meatshield, Bruce

 

So sometimes these viral videos get so popular the idiots contained within their pixels get famous as fuck... like Booster Gold level fame (so not really that famous). Sometimes the people are already famous. I think there was a video of me cursing people out at a Planet Krypton restaurant (I own the franchise, you think I could get hammered there). So recently this tiger blooded toe-head Charlie Sheen has started spewing a lot of crazy talk and people are thinking he's the bees knees. FUCK. DAT. I'm going to warn you right now, I knew a guy once who drank tiger's blood AND made a drug named after himself, his name was LEX FUCKING LUTHOR! And now look at that bald mother fucker. Always trying to shoot the sun, or sell weapons to orphans... and other evil junk.

 Fucking asshole... that's FOUR WHOLE TENS of cake!

However, you still have time to avoid this. Don't patronize the fool known as Sheen. In fact, if you could convince him to move to Gotham, that'd probably be best. Batsy LOOOOOOOVES crazy people :) Actually instead of supporting Crazy Sheen, make your own meme! HEY-OOOOO and be sure to email them to thesupermanspeaks@gmail.com

Reader Mail: I'm A Super-Pimp

Now, as I've mentioned, I don't read any of my fan mail. That would just be rediculous. Do you think Santa actually reads all those letters the pathetic Earth children send him? You think that fat idiot speaks every language on the planet. The answer is no (I've met the man, and he's an idiot). Anyway, back to my fan mail. I use a screening process called 'the intern filter'. Basically how it works is that every piece of mail is screened by my intern, Aquaman. If he sees something juicy, he send it along to me. Basically he filters out everything but pyramid schemes and Ghana prince inheritance shit. So essentially he's doing his job perfectly.

Loudest shout? WTF? That's the reason I screen this shit.

Until a few days ago, when he passed me along an actual winner of a fan mail. One way to get on my good side is obviously by talking trash about Bruce 'fat head' Wayne. This faithful reader wasted no time in blasting the caped crumbster:

"Who does that guy think he is anyway with all the bat-gadgets? He sounds like a talking McDonalds menu with a bat theme. Instead of saying things like McRib and McNugget, he's all "Robin, I just got off the Bat-Phone, the Bat-signal has been activated! Grab my Batarangs and get to the Bat-Cave, where we'll hop in the Bat-Plane, to take us to the Bat-fight." Talk about overcompensating. The Batfreak sounds like a friggan smurf with his bat-isms."

 Yeah, that's Super cool Bruce...

Indeed! Good show! This got me into the letter, which then lead me to the reader's question (with more Bat-zingers! see what I did there?), and it's quite good:

"Batman's got a reputation as a playa', (and we all know those who talk about getting play really don't got much going). Still Batman recently found out he has a bat-son (only because his baby mama used roofies on him to do the deed).  Do you worry about any super-bastards popping up and claiming you owe child support?"

First, let me point out that Brucey had to be knocked out to bang a broad. Wow. That's really not helping your image as a non-wiener sniffer.

 I then proceeded to blow a load THROUGH her. How's that for passion?

On to your question though. The simple answer is No, for several reasons. One, I don't worry about shit. Ever. Son, been to the end of time,  alternate dimensions, and DIED nothing on this planet worries me. Secondly, if you haven't noticed I'm fast as shit. Sometimes when I REAALLLLY screw the pooch, I just run around the Earth really fast. It's called time travel, and it's best contraceptive ever.  Also, X-Ray vision. Let's just say that isn't approved by the FDA, or any Earth medicine men.

Pimpin' really is quite easy.

On a semi-related note, I did once have a son who then turned out to be a clone. Super-boy. More like super-puss if you ask me. Someone thought It'd be a fucking laugh if they took half me and half Luthor and mixed it up. Wow. Gay. Thanks for readin Anonym0use, and if ya see Bruce, kick him in the junk for me!

See? NO ONE likes Superboy.

Workin' Not Hard At All for the Money

A lot of cry babies out there these days complaining about how they can't get a job or about how much their job sucks. WOW what a bunch of pansies you are. I have two jobs... well three jobs: Reporter (ha), Earth's sexiest ass kicker (not Batman), and bikini inspector. I invented that last one because I also invented the bikini (that's true shit, google it). On top of the I'm always saving cats from trees or tricking Jimmy into marrying chimps , so I really have like ten jobs.

You thought I was kidding? I've done this like four times. HILARIOUS!

 

So with my twenty-five jobs I still have time to complain on this stupid shit called the internet. I did this without a degree, really any form of education, shit I'm not even a citizen. Haha, I'm stealing your jobs and I don't even pay taxes. Basically when I showed up to the Daily Planet my resume had a hand scribbled name and my skills inculded "punching the Earth in half" and"bikini inspector". To my luck old man Perry White thought my muscles made his editorial department look badass, and he had never heard of a bikini (it was the 30s... so no biggie....although he might be gay, verdict still out on that guy).

Telepathy? Its called caller ID suckers

 

Anyway, if you want a job, you can have one of mine, but only the reporter one.... and maybe the saving the Earth one... actually you can only have the reporter one because that job is fucking garbage. First off I just write down things that I see during my day. Sometimes it's literally just a scribble with words like 'gay' or 'steal whatever Jimmy is working on'. I honestly have no idea what a reporter even is or does. As far as I can tell they literally just tell people things they don't want to hear.

 Whoops, there goes my Pulitzer

Furthermore, I work with a bunch of annoying gnats. I literally can't stand these idiots. On one side I've got Jimmy Olsen spewing garbage about Pokemons and twitters into my face. Jimmy, you're nearly 40 now GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. I swear, if you "accidentally" use your signal watch while *barf* pleasuring yourself, I'm taking that thing away. I still have no idea why I gave that idiot a watch that only I can hear from anywhere on the planet... oh yeah, it's because he gets himself into hilariously stupid situations. Meanwhile, I've got Lois 'frusty cunt' Lane sticking her nose up my ass. Seriously bitch, I know you need to get laid and I would be more than willing to take one for the team, but I'd literally break you into a million pieces. I'm sorry no one likes you, maybe dye your hair blonde, get a boob job or some shit. Then at least people won't mind looking at you... nothing you ca do about that voice though...

Wow, on the first guess too... fucking psycho

In a closing note: Yes I might be an illegal immigrant without a degree or any formal education working several jobs, but take a look at Bruce Wayne. He doesn't do shit, and he's a billionaire. Guess what folks, that fuck doesn't pay taxes either. According to him he 'gives it all back in the streets'. You know that he wrote off the batmobile as his work vehicle? There's some fucking reporting for ya! BOO-YAH!

Super-Spotlight #2: Tits are the Tits

So there is this rumor floating around the galaxies that Earth chicks are easy. I think there was a radio show about it or some shit, I dunno, I don't follow Earth media. It's all mostly shit, I mean they let me be a reporter for the largest newspaper in the world with no education, proof of citizenship, or really for any reason other than I 'got the good shit on Superman'. Fucking idiots. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Earth chicks being sluts.

 Lies!

This is a complete and utter fallacy. Earth women, like all other child bearing being across the galaxy, are fundamentally flawed. Having been from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of crazy pussy, but I've never seen such a widespread hate for the 'ol Super meat than on Earth. After having several drunken conversations with J'onn about this fact, we both came up with the problem behind this. It's all the fault of one Wonder Woman aka Diana Prince aka the only vagina on Earth capable of handling a Super-load.

Amoeba, Merman (who?), or Mall Security? How's about a Kryptonian?

That's right, the onyl chick on Earth I can penetrate without blowing her in half. Sorry for being graphic (not really), but I went through like five girlfriends in High School before I figured out that wasn't a normal Earth thing (Thanks Pa Kent for letting me know about that). That's the past thought, and me being pissed off by Wonder Woman is the present.

Haha Bruce, go an hug Robin why don't ya, you pedo-freak

A little history lesson here folks. When I first met Diana I was all like, fuck yes a hot chick who has super powers and junk who ISN'T my cousin (more on Power Girl later... ugh). Little did I know she was an Amazon. If you don't know what an Amazon is, let me give you a little definition.

superfapfapfapfapfapfapfap

Amazon (n): (1) A chick who lives with only chicks. Has no idea what a penis is, and when they find out, they totally fucking hate it. Bitches who seriously never have sex on the mind despite carrying whips, lassos, and other such awesome bondage materials. Essentially, these Earth chicks are NOT easy.

 

There it is folks, even more absurd than the fucking amoeba suitor

I mean, that definition is fucking right out of Webster's, so its the real deal. Google that shit if you don't believe me. I am a journalist after all, so I'm like 100% truthful, all the time (LOL!). Basically Wonder Woman is a huge tease, who likes tying guys up with her 'lasso of truth' because she's uncomfortable with her apparent asexuality.

 Haha, Bruce is such an emo idiot. Even Red Tornado is getting hammered... and he's a fucking robot. Also, no chance in hell you'll score with Diana (because she isn't a little boy SNAP!)

Hey, don't hate, I've yet to see her hook up with anybody... that being said, Batman still has less of a chance of hooking up with her than me. She once told me that "His creepy rapist voice makes her vagina tight". Haha Bruce, your voice makes va-jay-jays sad. HAHAA!

Earth; its the Tits

Huzzah! Another guest email! Aquaman is really earning those 'gold coins' I've been giving him for sifting through all of my fan mail. That idiot likes to feel important, I guess that's what happens when you're the king of a kingdom that no one gives a fuck about. Haha. Anyway, onto the fan mail!:

Dear Superman,

So, like, being an alien must be really suck.

-A FAN

Really suck? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not even from this planet, yet I have managed to learn pretty much all of its languages in only like, 30 years. No wonder you didn't even leave your name, you're an embarrassment to the entire race of 'non aliens' aka Earthlings. But, I digress, not all of you can be even remotely as Super as me, HA!

Bruce, showing how much of a pussy he is. Imma kick the shit out of this Earth rat.

To answer your question, no, it is not 'really suck'. Its actually really sweet. Imagine if you didn't have to do shit to be great. Like, literally I woke up and could throw cars around and blast people with punches like atom bombs. All because of Earth's sun being a million times better than whatever Krypton must've had. Such luck eh? Oh yeah, I also look exactly like human beings... well let's just say not entirely (I'm ALL super if you know what I mean).  I'm like the intergalactic king of Earth, who also just happens to look like Earthlings, pretty sweet deal (and I'm just saying that, I'm definetly not planning to take over once Batman dies *wink*).

 Couldn't do that shit on Krypton. Hand midgets are an 'Earth Only' power

Why do you think I'm still here? You think I like having to, occasionally, deal with Earth getting destroyed. Honestly, I really don't care. However, I DO enjoy several things that are Earth specific. My 'parts' match up with Earth chicks, booze is pretty legit, and, oh yeah the aforementioned part about the sun giving me diesel ass kicking powers. You heard it from me: Being an alien, is not suck.