Super Spotlight #3: Jimmy Olsen

Yay! Time for another spotlight. This week I'm taking a break from telling ya'll about my super friends (ha) and moving on to someone who is a super idiot. The reason I'm here on the interwebz is because of this idiot, the one and only Jimmy Olsen.

Too much Dayquil Jim-Jim?

Now, I've known little Jim-Jim ever since I stepped foot into Metropolis. At first I was all like, "Cool, a friend who isn't someone who is 80+ years old. He can probably score me some drugs." WRONG. Jimmy was neither cool, nor could he score me anything other than glue... fucking child. Yeah, this manchild hasn't left me alone since I first started working here. This is partially my fault, having given the little wiener a signal watch, so he can call me... whenever... from wherever on the entire fucking planet! I had to implement the increasing scale of humiliation for everytime he calls me for a non-emergency (aka all the time). Basically he rings the bell, I show up, see that Brainiac isn't fucking shit up, then I humiliate Jimmy.

 Most of the time he humiliates himself... also, who the fuck is Gnor?

Some people even go so far as to say he's my sidekick. WHAT?! Listen, first off, I don't have a sidekick. That's some gay Batman shit. Secondly, if I did, it sure as shit wouldn't be a nervous little ginger with a camera and a tendency to fuck things up. My sidekick would most likely be a smaller version of myself... like a midget me... HAHAHA. How sweet would that be? Answer: fucking sweet. Regardless, Jimmy is more just my 'kick', no side involved.

Alas, the final portion of my intern interview process

Lately I've been ruminating over the fact that he hasn't aged in about 40 years. Despite living in a world where seemingly no one ages, everyone at least gets mentally older. Maybe he's like Benjamin Button (netflix baby!) but, like, only for his brain. So as he gets older, his brain gets dumber. He must've been a fucking smart baby.

Hah! I was right! Bonus points for me humiliating his ass.

This all being said, I hate Jimmy far less than most of my metahuman counterparts. First off, the kid is really slow, like so slow that chicks think he's "special". Therefore, he's the ultimate wingman. He's never going to steal chicks from me, yet he can always bring them my way. Nothing gets ladies more wet (wetter?) than showing them how much ya care about the tards. "Hey Jimmy, want to go to the park and get some ice cream? Wanna pay for mine? Oh hey ladies, I'm just showing my "special" friend here how to buy ice cream. Ya love ice cream dontcha Jim-Jim." I then commence in the laying of all chicks within ear shot. Super speed leaves 'em super satisfied (but that is neither here nor there). Jimmy also has a nack for getting into (or letting me place him) in hilarious situations. Remember the time I dressed up as a witchdoctor and had him marry a chimp? Well that's just the tip of the penis ladies and gents, because it seems like every week this moron drinks a potion or touches a statue that turns him into an immobile talking Earth-turd or like a giant turtle or some shit (which has happened more than once... sigh).

I really said "Sorry Moneyfags..." Damn Earth censors...

Betcha wish you spent that money on a sweet apartment, eh Jim-Jim?

So here's to you Jimmy. Stop pressing that fucking watch button, I took the batteries out three years ago. Plus, I can hear what you say anyway, from anywhere... so for the love of Jor STOP THINKING OUT LOUD!

Well... that explains pretty much everything...