Reader Mail: I'm A Super-Pimp

Now, as I've mentioned, I don't read any of my fan mail. That would just be rediculous. Do you think Santa actually reads all those letters the pathetic Earth children send him? You think that fat idiot speaks every language on the planet. The answer is no (I've met the man, and he's an idiot). Anyway, back to my fan mail. I use a screening process called 'the intern filter'. Basically how it works is that every piece of mail is screened by my intern, Aquaman. If he sees something juicy, he send it along to me. Basically he filters out everything but pyramid schemes and Ghana prince inheritance shit. So essentially he's doing his job perfectly.

Loudest shout? WTF? That's the reason I screen this shit.

Until a few days ago, when he passed me along an actual winner of a fan mail. One way to get on my good side is obviously by talking trash about Bruce 'fat head' Wayne. This faithful reader wasted no time in blasting the caped crumbster:

"Who does that guy think he is anyway with all the bat-gadgets? He sounds like a talking McDonalds menu with a bat theme. Instead of saying things like McRib and McNugget, he's all "Robin, I just got off the Bat-Phone, the Bat-signal has been activated! Grab my Batarangs and get to the Bat-Cave, where we'll hop in the Bat-Plane, to take us to the Bat-fight." Talk about overcompensating. The Batfreak sounds like a friggan smurf with his bat-isms."

 Yeah, that's Super cool Bruce...

Indeed! Good show! This got me into the letter, which then lead me to the reader's question (with more Bat-zingers! see what I did there?), and it's quite good:

"Batman's got a reputation as a playa', (and we all know those who talk about getting play really don't got much going). Still Batman recently found out he has a bat-son (only because his baby mama used roofies on him to do the deed).  Do you worry about any super-bastards popping up and claiming you owe child support?"

First, let me point out that Brucey had to be knocked out to bang a broad. Wow. That's really not helping your image as a non-wiener sniffer.

 I then proceeded to blow a load THROUGH her. How's that for passion?

On to your question though. The simple answer is No, for several reasons. One, I don't worry about shit. Ever. Son, been to the end of time,  alternate dimensions, and DIED nothing on this planet worries me. Secondly, if you haven't noticed I'm fast as shit. Sometimes when I REAALLLLY screw the pooch, I just run around the Earth really fast. It's called time travel, and it's best contraceptive ever.  Also, X-Ray vision. Let's just say that isn't approved by the FDA, or any Earth medicine men.

Pimpin' really is quite easy.

On a semi-related note, I did once have a son who then turned out to be a clone. Super-boy. More like super-puss if you ask me. Someone thought It'd be a fucking laugh if they took half me and half Luthor and mixed it up. Wow. Gay. Thanks for readin Anonym0use, and if ya see Bruce, kick him in the junk for me!

See? NO ONE likes Superboy.