Rock Lobster

So some of you may not know, but I really think you Earth maggots have an unrealistic love of holidays. You place importance on some really stupid shit that in the end doesn't mean anything. I could list all of the holidays, and then replace whatever religous (whatever the fuck religion is) symbols with myself, and then you'd realize how shitty they were. I mean, just a few days ago ya'll celebrated the "fact" that some crumb-bum with a beard came back from the dead like a couple thousand years ago. SO WHAT? I've died, a lot of my friends have died, shit even stupid old Brucey Bruce has died and come back. No big deal, no holiday for Superman rising from the grave. Weak, Earthlings, reaaaaaal weak. Anyway, there is one holiday I got behind last week, and it makes just as much sense as giant egg slinging rabbits and old fat idiot jumping through chimney's: Four Twenty.

Helping a brother out

 

So that was a pretty good day, however, I may or may not have ingested some ACTUAL kryptonite. Seems these Earth kids like to name their smoking plants after green things or whatever... might have gotten the 'ol real krypty in there with the herbal kind... so I've been KO'd for a while. It also made me realize how much kryptonite pisses me off. If having to deal with Jimmy falling out of a window every hour, or the Earth constantly being invaded by douchbags isn't enough I have to deal with poisonous rocks. Thats right, seemingly these rare bits of my home planet have miraculously made it to Earth. For an event so fucking rare, there is like half of fucking Krypton on Earth. I can't take a dump anymore without some ass hat in a ski mask waving the green stuff in my face. Better yet, there is like 50 different version of the shit, all the colors of the fucking kryptonite rainbow.

And here is where I keep all my poisonous rocks

 

Yep, all different colored rocks do something different to the man of steel. Bullshit. I should probably know what they all do to me, but here is my best guess:

Green: I know this one. It makes me feel weak and puke everywhere. Basically it is tequila.

Red: This does whatever the fuck it feels like. It is the most bad ass of all kryptonites.

Who the fuck put that there?

 

Blue: The bomb stuff. Makes Bizarro poop his pants and makes me feel like... well Superman. Straight crack, too bad its not as common...

Take that ya retards!

Black: Makes me want to party all night and bang those chicks who normally would make me want to vomit. Also maybe rob a bank or two. This is the whiskey of kryptonite.

Orange: This sit is ridiculous. Gives my powers to animals. Who the fuck? Why is this even... gah.

Reason #1000 why orange kryptonite sucks

Gold: Pretty sure this turns me into Kanye. Jesus walks indeed!

Is that Vincent Price trying to be a bitch?

So when you think your life is shitty, be thankful you aren't being haunted by multi-colored rocks and that you're not Batman.

Super Spotlight 5: Rings are for Ladies

 A puppet? A PUPPET?! Fucking-A...

Been a while since I've done a Super Spotlight. You can call me lazy (which is like, half true... but when's the last time you saved a fucking planet?), but I don't exactly look forward to writing about people I don't like, i.e. everyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I love talking trash about these crumb bums, but the time it takes me to type this into my keyboard (without smashing it to minuscule bits) could be much better used doing nothing and/or drinking and/or pissing off Batman.

SUPER NOOGIE

 

Anyway, this spotlight is going to be on some numb nuts who flies around the universe like his shit don't stink. Obviously I'm talking about the super-narc Green Lantern (Hal Jordan specifically, don't get this twisted I like maybe two of the lanterns). Hal thinks he's all big and bad because some dying alien gave him a piece of jewelery. Yep, no dumbass lab accidents here, no wealthy billionaires, or amazon goddess. This clown got his super powers by literally being a shitty pilot.

It was either Hal, or a rock, in a coin flip, he chose Hal

 

So Hal gets this ugly ass green ring and suddenly becomes this intergalactic super cop. For the most part I have no beef with the fuzz. I basically do their job here on Earth, and I do it about 100% more efficiently than the Metropolis PD. However, these green lantern fools think they're like robocops or some shit. Hell no. If I fuck up just once and 'accidentally' blow up a planet, these guys will be on my ass faster than a pedobear at a playground, and Hal would be leading the charge. Hey assholes, where the fuck were you when Krypton blew up?

Exhibit A: A cocksucker in action

 

Without his silly little ring, Hal is completely feeble, like more feeble than Bruce. So basically if you hate Hal Jordan, just wait until he's doing his dishes or some shit and the blast him (he's paranoid about losing that thing to the garbage disposal). I mean, this clown used to have a weakness to, get this, the color yellow. WHAT? At least my weakness is to a physical thing, but a color? That's really gay.

 Who cares why he calls himself The Crumbler... he has YELLOW!

Whoops, sorry America, the bad guys have yellow paint, LOL

When an idiot wearing a suit made of yellow construction paper makes you quiver, you are not a super hero, you're a super pussy (who cares if you died and came back, we've all done that). There, I said it, Green Lantern is a super pussy.... and I hope his movie blows. KAL-EL OUT!