Super-Spotlight #2: Tits are the Tits

So there is this rumor floating around the galaxies that Earth chicks are easy. I think there was a radio show about it or some shit, I dunno, I don't follow Earth media. It's all mostly shit, I mean they let me be a reporter for the largest newspaper in the world with no education, proof of citizenship, or really for any reason other than I 'got the good shit on Superman'. Fucking idiots. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Earth chicks being sluts.

 Lies!

This is a complete and utter fallacy. Earth women, like all other child bearing being across the galaxy, are fundamentally flawed. Having been from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of crazy pussy, but I've never seen such a widespread hate for the 'ol Super meat than on Earth. After having several drunken conversations with J'onn about this fact, we both came up with the problem behind this. It's all the fault of one Wonder Woman aka Diana Prince aka the only vagina on Earth capable of handling a Super-load.

Amoeba, Merman (who?), or Mall Security? How's about a Kryptonian?

That's right, the onyl chick on Earth I can penetrate without blowing her in half. Sorry for being graphic (not really), but I went through like five girlfriends in High School before I figured out that wasn't a normal Earth thing (Thanks Pa Kent for letting me know about that). That's the past thought, and me being pissed off by Wonder Woman is the present.

Haha Bruce, go an hug Robin why don't ya, you pedo-freak

A little history lesson here folks. When I first met Diana I was all like, fuck yes a hot chick who has super powers and junk who ISN'T my cousin (more on Power Girl later... ugh). Little did I know she was an Amazon. If you don't know what an Amazon is, let me give you a little definition.

superfapfapfapfapfapfapfap

Amazon (n): (1) A chick who lives with only chicks. Has no idea what a penis is, and when they find out, they totally fucking hate it. Bitches who seriously never have sex on the mind despite carrying whips, lassos, and other such awesome bondage materials. Essentially, these Earth chicks are NOT easy.

 

There it is folks, even more absurd than the fucking amoeba suitor

I mean, that definition is fucking right out of Webster's, so its the real deal. Google that shit if you don't believe me. I am a journalist after all, so I'm like 100% truthful, all the time (LOL!). Basically Wonder Woman is a huge tease, who likes tying guys up with her 'lasso of truth' because she's uncomfortable with her apparent asexuality.

 Haha, Bruce is such an emo idiot. Even Red Tornado is getting hammered... and he's a fucking robot. Also, no chance in hell you'll score with Diana (because she isn't a little boy SNAP!)

Hey, don't hate, I've yet to see her hook up with anybody... that being said, Batman still has less of a chance of hooking up with her than me. She once told me that "His creepy rapist voice makes her vagina tight". Haha Bruce, your voice makes va-jay-jays sad. HAHAA!

Earth; its the Tits

Huzzah! Another guest email! Aquaman is really earning those 'gold coins' I've been giving him for sifting through all of my fan mail. That idiot likes to feel important, I guess that's what happens when you're the king of a kingdom that no one gives a fuck about. Haha. Anyway, onto the fan mail!:

Dear Superman,

So, like, being an alien must be really suck.

-A FAN

Really suck? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not even from this planet, yet I have managed to learn pretty much all of its languages in only like, 30 years. No wonder you didn't even leave your name, you're an embarrassment to the entire race of 'non aliens' aka Earthlings. But, I digress, not all of you can be even remotely as Super as me, HA!

Bruce, showing how much of a pussy he is. Imma kick the shit out of this Earth rat.

To answer your question, no, it is not 'really suck'. Its actually really sweet. Imagine if you didn't have to do shit to be great. Like, literally I woke up and could throw cars around and blast people with punches like atom bombs. All because of Earth's sun being a million times better than whatever Krypton must've had. Such luck eh? Oh yeah, I also look exactly like human beings... well let's just say not entirely (I'm ALL super if you know what I mean).  I'm like the intergalactic king of Earth, who also just happens to look like Earthlings, pretty sweet deal (and I'm just saying that, I'm definetly not planning to take over once Batman dies *wink*).

 Couldn't do that shit on Krypton. Hand midgets are an 'Earth Only' power

Why do you think I'm still here? You think I like having to, occasionally, deal with Earth getting destroyed. Honestly, I really don't care. However, I DO enjoy several things that are Earth specific. My 'parts' match up with Earth chicks, booze is pretty legit, and, oh yeah the aforementioned part about the sun giving me diesel ass kicking powers. You heard it from me: Being an alien, is not suck.

Super-Spotlight #1 - My Favorite Martian

So being super in all ways, one day I figured I wanted to be super lazy. Ya'know, kick back, drink a few brewskis and watch some Real Housewives of Gotham (aka chicks that Bruce wishes he could bang). So being a super genius, I put together the Justice League. Don't let the history books fool you, this was 100% my idea, and my project. If someone tells you otherwise, maybe they were mistaken because I was wearing glasses or some garbage. Anyway, this ended up being an, obviously, super idea, considering pretty much right as I was setting this shit up, a giant mind sucking starfish shows up on Earth. Since I really didn't want to deal with that shit... seriously, who would? I sent my posse aka the newly formed Jutice Shmucks after them.

 Haha, suckers. Also, WTF are you doing Aquaman?

As time wore on this little 'get out of saving the world' card began to fall apart, and yours truly had to start saving the planet... again. However, the JL continues to limp on, with or without me. Now, being Superman and having put together this team, and being able to see through shit, has allowed me to write extensive bios and files on all of my 'friends'. I'm gonna share with you some of these files, because honestly, I don't give a crap if ya'll know their secret identities... they should've never told me in the first place, I am a super gossip after all.

SUPER SPOLIGHT #1 - Martian Manhunter

Even Martians do LSD

Good 'ol Johnny boy. Now right off the bat I liked this guy. Like me, he came to Earth for the chicks after his entire species was wiped out (don't let him tell you otherwise, it was no 'accident'). Like most aliens, he had dope ass powers. He is pretty much me (slightly less super) but has some neat-o mind shit and some changey abilities. Knowing full well how much Earth chicks hate ugly ass aliens, he maximized his Earth pussy intake by taking on the secret identity of private eye John Jones. So instantly I knew that this cat was rare, and being new to Earth he was also a fucking sucker. So naturally I wanted this smooth, non-earth spawn to represent my super self. With him on the team, Batman would feel like he 'needed to keep an eye on other aliens' so he would join. Then I threatened to embarass Flash and Green Lantern by tagging all those really gay pics I took. Round it off with some Wonder Woman (let's just say she owes me), and voila! A fucking super team worthy of giving me the day off.

 J'onn and I, puttin that bitch in her place.

Back to my man J'onn. He's chill for many reasons that Batman isn't chill. He like chocos, crushes on mad hoes, and loves to talk trash. Him and I used to go around pulling mad pranks with his changey powers too haha. Fucking Earthlings are really dumb. That's why J'onn is the tits. He also thinks Earthlings are slow and squishy, and he knows that we're both going to outlive them all. So might as well use their planet for super battles and alien sex parties until they're all dead right?! So next time you're all like "OH NOOOOOO111!!!! mONGUL is come to eat us!11!!1 SUPARMEN COME SAVE NAOW?@1!", and I don't show up? You know I'm with big green, smoking on that purple stuff (alien drugs ya'll not your pussy Earth weeds).

Out of all the Justice League, I hate you the least

Happy MLK Day

My Man Ali: I let him win that one...

So ya'll are probably like 'Superman, you're literally, like, the beacon for white strength and all that bullshit'. Well I've got news for all ya poozers, I'm an alien who just happens to have the skin color that you refer to as 'white'. I've been all across this stupid ass universe, and I've seen literally every 'skin' color of lack thereof. I don't hate on others for that shit, I hate people when they're fucking dumb and/or piss me off. Shit, I literally killed a dozen fools calling themselves White Martians.

White Martians: Ugly as fuck

Now I realize that MLK Day is all about equality (check out New Hampshire, those nuts call it Civil Rights Day) but sometimes, everything isn't equal. I'm not talking about race, or color, or creed, I'm talking about power mother fuckers. Example: Batman is not equal to Superman. HAHA! ZING! Eat that Brucey!

 

BOOM BITCH!

Anyway, have a safe, fun(?), and thoughtful MLK Day, and remember all humans are equal, but kyrptonians are better!

First Fan Mail!

So I don't know how these blog things are supposed to work, but I was expecting a pile of fan emails. I mean, I figured there would be at least one or two 'thanks for saving the world, now come bone me' letters from some hot chicks. Nope. According to me email supervisor and Justice League intern Arthur 'Aquaman' Curry I recieved only one (1!) stupid piece of electronic mail. Lame. It's lame as shit, but I'm going to answer it anyway. It reads:

"Dear Super-Man,

My friends and I have always wondered, how do you keep your identity a secret?

Sincerely,
Your pal"

Alright, before I even answer this question for about the 100th time, I'm going to have to take your mortal brain down a few pegs. First off, no hyphen in the name. I didn't get bitten by a radioactive man you tool. Save the hyphens for other heroes and women named La-La (ladashla). Secondly, you have no friends, so don't pretend like this is something you and your 'friends' are talking about. Lastly, your letter itself is a fucking paradox. How can you know about my secret identity yet claim it to be a secret. Someone here is fishing for information... JIMMY! Regardless I'm going to break this down for you.

LOL I straight up told this guy... whoever he is.

Lemme just get this whole Clark Kent thing out there. If you haven't figured it out, that Clark and I are the same person, then you probably are having a hard time reading this blog. I mean, I'm really not even trying to hide it, I'm fucking Superman. I throw on a pair of glasses, slouch a bit, act like a doofus, and people think 'there is absolutely NO WAY that this tall, jacked, dummy could be Superman'. Seriously, I kind of went out of my way to make the fact that I'm Kent rather clear. You guys really think Kent has to take a dump everytime Metallo tries to blow up the Daily Planet? Or how about the fact that Superman is always around when Clark isn't? Seriously, I'm pretty sure a fucking chimp could've figured this one out (and I'm not saying Detective Chimp, that monkey is damn sharp)

No Lois, I just realized I don't give a fuck 

Something that just occurred to me after writing this all out is how much of a cheating whore Lois is.... Is the fact that she's cheating on me with my alter ego something I should worry about? Whatever this is like that Olsen Twins movie I saw once where the twins tricked a guy into thinking they were the same person! So funny! Hhaha. Martain Manhunter and I used to pull that shit all the time, haha. Having a shapeshifter as a friend is the bomb. For a Martian he's got a fuckload more personality then mopey pants Wayne.

Anyway, I've been tricking you for years! Now since my secret is out I'm going to give my friend Zatanna a call and she's going to erase all your brains! I've done it before, to my own friends even. So get those emails and comments in before you suddenly don't recognize all your friends who wear glasses.

 Remember that Batsy... oh wait you can't possibly haha

Cheers!

Krypton's Last Son's First Blog

Somehow you've stumbled upon this stupid blog things of mine. Now, I know what you're all thinking (figuratively you idiots, I don't have telepathy... yet), why is Superman all up in the blog-o-sphere? The reasons true believers is twofold:

1) Jimmy 'turd nugget' Olsen wouldn't keep his freckled yap shut about all this facespace, tweeter bullshit. "Hey Clark you on this? Hey Mr. Kent, you see my tweebs? Oh man, look at this video my friend posted of him getting faced by Toyman, lololol." Now imagine this x100 coming from a ginger. Not to mention the fact that he spews the same garbage to me when I take off my glasses and put on a cape, except substitute Clark for Superman. Seriously, how can someone so slow get a job at a newspaper? I bet the crumb-bum can't even read.

2) When the media, aka your girlfriend and ginger admirer, lables you as the fucking greatest most perfect and wholesome thing on the planet since Jesus Christ, it makes it a little difficult to blow off steam. Batman gets stressed? He goes and punches some crackhead's skull in. If I did that the population of Earth would be two (Me and Wonder Woman *wink*). Despite 'The American Way' being part of my aforementioned media formulated motto, I don't get to swear, drink, or be racist in public.

So as you see, if I didn't write in this blog (what the heck does that even mean?) I'd go on a murderous rampage, starting with everyone's favorite red headhead photog. So world, (and Brainiac) sit back and get ready to absorb my krypton rage, one blog at a time... oh yeah and on that tweetweet thing too (twitter.com/SupermanSpeaks)