I'm Back! In Pog Form!

Out of the ashes of awesomeness comes your favorite (and really only choice) hero: ME! Yeah I know, I haven't slapped the keyboard in a while, but guess what? Your planet is still here,  you're still breathing air, and using the internet. Let's just say I've been busy keeping that shit the way it is. Anyhoo, in between slapping Brainiac into orbit and watching Game of Thrones, it was brought to my attention that there is a movie coming out about me... AND I'M ENRAGED.

(Jimmy's dumbass movie looks better)

Normally I wouldn't mind having the world pay to watch me save the world over and over again (note, figure out how to do this). However, this motion picture dealio is totally bogus. I'm not sure who these Warner Brothers are but they didn't ever ask me to make a movie about my exploits. After watching their dumptastic Green Lantern movie (I mean, it was worse than the real life Green Lantern), I can only imagine their going to make me look like some overly sensitive dufus who doesn't just punch his problems away. I mean how are they going to make a realistic flick if they didn't even ask what my favorite kind of scotch is (answer: all) or how many broads I bang out on the reg (answer: infinite). Bottom line, if you want the real Superman story, read this very blog your mortal eyes are now looking at. If you want to see some pussy flying around, crying, and getting his ass kicked by an inferior douchebag (Zod? Seriously who the fuck is named Zod anyway?), then by all means go see this "Man of Steel" BS. You can find me at the bar... OR SAVING YOUR STINKHOLE PLANET!

(Always prepared, and by prepared I mean hammered)

Wait a minute... Bruce put them up to this didn't he? That fucking idiot, I'm gonna go pee on Wayne Manor.

I Saw a Movie

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Oscars? More like the OscSARS!

Oscars are coming up (up and away) on Sunday, and I am SUPER excited! Bruce and I are going to make a three layer bean dip, have some virgin martinis, and hug when Natalie wins for best actress. It's going to be grand.

Everlasting looooooove!

 

PSYCHE! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I? Seriously folks, I could give two shits about movies. First of all, any movie not about me sucks. Shoot, even the ones about me usually blow harder than my freeze breath. Not to mention the fact that Krypton had 4D movies, so suck on that Jimmy Cameron. Secondly, why the fuck would I go to the movies? Think about this, on an average day I'm going to be traveling through space (maybe even time) punching things that most humans will never know even exist. I mean, Jesus Christ, I've been to the end of existence! I'm not even kidding, Booster Gold and one of those green lantern idiots was there. I can't remember what we were doing at the end of time (I was pretty sideways on nyquil) but I'm 100% sure its more interesting than anything most of you will do in your life, ever.

I'd consider this a slow day

 

So, like I said, your Earth movies are fucking lame. However, since I'm a reporter and (kinda) have to maintain a secret identity, I have to at least pretend that The Academy Awards gives me a big journalistic boner. Since I haven't seen a movie since I accidentally watched Biodome after losing my TV remote, I had to find out a little about the more popular movies at this year's awards. Since I'm too lazy to read anything and/or use the internet, I figured I'd ask Jimmy about this year's least shitty movies. Then, based off the little info he gave me, I formed an educated opinion... that's REAL journalism for ya kids:

Inception

 This giant motherfucker just got INCEPTED!

Jimmy talked about this one for the better part of an hour. At no point did he form a coherent thought or anything that could possibly be described as a 'plot'. I want to say its about sleeping in the rain or something. Its got some girl in it who was pregnant and now isn't (Jimmy's words), along with some guy who was on a boat at some point. Sounded really gay.

127 Hours

 Bike riding: it's never cool

Some shit about bike riding. Nothing gayer than riding bikes. Only pussies and dudes from the turn of the century ride bikes. Pretty sure Batman has a bike. This movie better lose.

Black Swan

 I don't get it.

When I asked Jimmy about this one, his voiced cracked and his face turned really red. I think I broke him. Still have no idea why the fuck anyone would want to watch a movie about swans.

King's Speech

The only king's speech ya'll should care about

Jimmy said he didn't see this one because he can't understand British accents. Earthlings, let me just point this out now, Jimmy is just one of millions you allow to elect your leader. This shit WOULD NOT fly on Krypton.

Toy Story 3

 Honestly, this guy needs to quit or move to Gotham

This is another one Jimmy talked about for a good hour. I didn't listen to anything he was saying. After he mentioned Toys, all I could think about was that douche Toy Man who is always fucking with my shit. That dude is so pathetic, his whole shtick is toys... sounds like he should be over in Gotham.... I mean he realizes I can punch the moon in half right? A fucking toy soldier, no matter how big it is, will never destroy me. Anyway, I pick this one for the least shitty movie of the year... if for any reason, because Jimmy left after he told me about this one. WIN!