Haters Gonna Hate

First off. Stop calling/emailing/texting/yelling really loud to me about stopping natural disasters. Ain't shit I can do about hurricanes, Earthquakes, or temperatures being above 100 degrees. First off, if I can't punch it into bits, or fly it's ass into the vacuum of space, I'm not going to put in the effort to stop it. Secondly, stop being such pussies... seriously. Oh no it's raining and windy at the same time... You know how I spent my weekend while all ya'll were too busy hiding from rain? THIS:

That's right, I was fighting a giant... fist... thing? Ya'see I don't mind battling Brainiac in like some freaky-deeky video game world, or embarrassing Luthor day after day by pantsing him while his in a business meeting. However, I'm not like, the Red Cross or some crap. Cat in a tree? Call fucking Batman... or like, the police or something, I don't know. Hurricane got ya down? Not my problem, blame the shifting climate patterns of your shit planet... or learn how to fly and stop burning fossil fuels like a bunch of cavemen. I've honestly got a lot on my plate. I mean, when's the last time someone's spent their millions and billions of dollars on trying to kill you JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE MADE HIM BALD? Seriously, it really gets old.

So next time ya'll are about to flash the gang sign of justice (aka the Superman Signal) think about it. Is it something serious? Something that's going to make me look like a smooth, jacked up pimp? Or is it going to be front page news on Yahoo.crap? I'm here to punch world ending asteroids into world ending robots. I'm not here to teach people how not to get wet (unless it's the ladies WINK!)

Super Down Time

Sup Earth maggots? I bet you're all like "uuhhhh Super-Man, where you been at? I likez your blogz?" Well, idiots, I've saved the planet thrice, and the time stream frice. So, while all ya'll been strachtin' your butts and altering photos of birds so that they have arms (seriously: http://www.iywib.com/birds_with_arms.php), I've been doing shit. I've been so fucking busy that I forgot about the internet completely... actually that might be the Starro attached to me brain, I seem to be forgetting a lot of things recently...

Starro: Everyone is Doing it

Anyway, here's things that may or may not have happened since I went away:

- I left 142 flaming shits on the steps of Wayne Manor. ;)

- I killed a guy... with my BARE FISTS.

- I punched something (give or take 1 million things)

- I was a wrestler. LOL! SO GAY!

- I reversed the spin of the Earth by flying around it super fast to reverse time and prevent myself from eating at Applebees

- I farted.

- I died and then found myself dead. Yeah, it was... alright.

- I saw Larry Crowne (TIME TRAVEL BITCHES!)

- And lastly... I stopped this penny rainbow thief... thing (wtf?)

So as you can see, I was fucking busy. BACK OFF!

Super Spotlight 4: The Fastest Idiot Alive

 Bitch please.

Its been a while since I've ripped one of my "friends" so here goes. This time I'll be telling you all about how much I hate the Flash(es). Now, for those of you not in the know, there are like fifteen of these little bastards running around (see what I did there?). I though Bruce was bad at keeping his cowl to himself, but it seems that the Flash has the same mantle passing problem. I'm not even sure I know who the guy is... I mean he does where a mask. Now some of ya'll are gonna be like "Herp derp, Flash dies and comes back from the dead so technically its just... herp derp derp". Well I died once and my "replacements" had the decency to at least not go rummaging through my closet. So right off the bat (Bat?) I don't like this Flash guy... too much for me to remember.

All of these winners call themselves the Flash... or something even dumber than that (Kid Flash?)

Furthermore, he's one of those Earthlings who got his powers by essentially being a moron. Hal Jordan crashes his plane and is awarded a mystical space-ring, the Wayne's raise a psycho-child and then go walk down a place called CRIME ALLEY at night, and the Flash inhales "hard water vapor" (or spills chemicals on himself, depending on which running man were talking about). So now I get at least ten calls a day about how some kid died inhaling hard water vapor. What the fuck is hard water anyway? I thought that shit just made your shower scummy, nothing about granting super speed...

Two failures, one name

 

So essentially this Flash guy can just run fast. Yep, that's it, just super speed. Notice that his ONE power is just a part of like my million powers. I mean, the shit even has the guts to call it SUPER speed. What a fucking rip. That be like me calling my house the Bat-house... but that would be both a lie and fucking lame. Flash does this thing all the time where he wants to race me. How old are we now Wally (Barry, Jay, Impulse, Kid Flash, etc etc) twelve? I mean, what grown man challenges someone to a race if they aren't like that fast Jamaican dude? How about I ask you to a punching contest eh Flashy? Oh... wait, that's right you're just a fragile little Earth dork.

 Eat my dust Scarlet Sucker!

I mean, the dude sucks as it is, yet somehow his bad guys make him suck even more. Beyond his Bizarro rip-offs (aka the moronically named Reverse Flash) his stable of villains (who are too clueless to call themselves anything but The Rogues) include: A talking gorilla, a guy with hover boots, a guy who spins really fast, a guy with boomerangs, and a dingus with a flute. And here I am thinking Toy Man is a fucking loser. My god, I might even go so far as to say this Flash moron has attracted bigger idiots than Bruce (yeah right).

Mr. Element? Are you fucking kidding me?

 

In other news, some of you actually listened to me and hooked me up with some sweet memes. Feast your brain mouths upon these humor ridden morsels. These winning nuggets of truth, justice, and the American way are from loyal reader Shawn DC.

 

Oscars? More like the OscSARS!

Oscars are coming up (up and away) on Sunday, and I am SUPER excited! Bruce and I are going to make a three layer bean dip, have some virgin martinis, and hug when Natalie wins for best actress. It's going to be grand.

Everlasting looooooove!

 

PSYCHE! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I? Seriously folks, I could give two shits about movies. First of all, any movie not about me sucks. Shoot, even the ones about me usually blow harder than my freeze breath. Not to mention the fact that Krypton had 4D movies, so suck on that Jimmy Cameron. Secondly, why the fuck would I go to the movies? Think about this, on an average day I'm going to be traveling through space (maybe even time) punching things that most humans will never know even exist. I mean, Jesus Christ, I've been to the end of existence! I'm not even kidding, Booster Gold and one of those green lantern idiots was there. I can't remember what we were doing at the end of time (I was pretty sideways on nyquil) but I'm 100% sure its more interesting than anything most of you will do in your life, ever.

I'd consider this a slow day

 

So, like I said, your Earth movies are fucking lame. However, since I'm a reporter and (kinda) have to maintain a secret identity, I have to at least pretend that The Academy Awards gives me a big journalistic boner. Since I haven't seen a movie since I accidentally watched Biodome after losing my TV remote, I had to find out a little about the more popular movies at this year's awards. Since I'm too lazy to read anything and/or use the internet, I figured I'd ask Jimmy about this year's least shitty movies. Then, based off the little info he gave me, I formed an educated opinion... that's REAL journalism for ya kids:

Inception

 This giant motherfucker just got INCEPTED!

Jimmy talked about this one for the better part of an hour. At no point did he form a coherent thought or anything that could possibly be described as a 'plot'. I want to say its about sleeping in the rain or something. Its got some girl in it who was pregnant and now isn't (Jimmy's words), along with some guy who was on a boat at some point. Sounded really gay.

127 Hours

 Bike riding: it's never cool

Some shit about bike riding. Nothing gayer than riding bikes. Only pussies and dudes from the turn of the century ride bikes. Pretty sure Batman has a bike. This movie better lose.

Black Swan

 I don't get it.

When I asked Jimmy about this one, his voiced cracked and his face turned really red. I think I broke him. Still have no idea why the fuck anyone would want to watch a movie about swans.

King's Speech

The only king's speech ya'll should care about

Jimmy said he didn't see this one because he can't understand British accents. Earthlings, let me just point this out now, Jimmy is just one of millions you allow to elect your leader. This shit WOULD NOT fly on Krypton.

Toy Story 3

 Honestly, this guy needs to quit or move to Gotham

This is another one Jimmy talked about for a good hour. I didn't listen to anything he was saying. After he mentioned Toys, all I could think about was that douche Toy Man who is always fucking with my shit. That dude is so pathetic, his whole shtick is toys... sounds like he should be over in Gotham.... I mean he realizes I can punch the moon in half right? A fucking toy soldier, no matter how big it is, will never destroy me. Anyway, I pick this one for the least shitty movie of the year... if for any reason, because Jimmy left after he told me about this one. WIN!

Reader Mail: I'm A Super-Pimp

Now, as I've mentioned, I don't read any of my fan mail. That would just be rediculous. Do you think Santa actually reads all those letters the pathetic Earth children send him? You think that fat idiot speaks every language on the planet. The answer is no (I've met the man, and he's an idiot). Anyway, back to my fan mail. I use a screening process called 'the intern filter'. Basically how it works is that every piece of mail is screened by my intern, Aquaman. If he sees something juicy, he send it along to me. Basically he filters out everything but pyramid schemes and Ghana prince inheritance shit. So essentially he's doing his job perfectly.

Loudest shout? WTF? That's the reason I screen this shit.

Until a few days ago, when he passed me along an actual winner of a fan mail. One way to get on my good side is obviously by talking trash about Bruce 'fat head' Wayne. This faithful reader wasted no time in blasting the caped crumbster:

"Who does that guy think he is anyway with all the bat-gadgets? He sounds like a talking McDonalds menu with a bat theme. Instead of saying things like McRib and McNugget, he's all "Robin, I just got off the Bat-Phone, the Bat-signal has been activated! Grab my Batarangs and get to the Bat-Cave, where we'll hop in the Bat-Plane, to take us to the Bat-fight." Talk about overcompensating. The Batfreak sounds like a friggan smurf with his bat-isms."

 Yeah, that's Super cool Bruce...

Indeed! Good show! This got me into the letter, which then lead me to the reader's question (with more Bat-zingers! see what I did there?), and it's quite good:

"Batman's got a reputation as a playa', (and we all know those who talk about getting play really don't got much going). Still Batman recently found out he has a bat-son (only because his baby mama used roofies on him to do the deed).  Do you worry about any super-bastards popping up and claiming you owe child support?"

First, let me point out that Brucey had to be knocked out to bang a broad. Wow. That's really not helping your image as a non-wiener sniffer.

 I then proceeded to blow a load THROUGH her. How's that for passion?

On to your question though. The simple answer is No, for several reasons. One, I don't worry about shit. Ever. Son, been to the end of time,  alternate dimensions, and DIED nothing on this planet worries me. Secondly, if you haven't noticed I'm fast as shit. Sometimes when I REAALLLLY screw the pooch, I just run around the Earth really fast. It's called time travel, and it's best contraceptive ever.  Also, X-Ray vision. Let's just say that isn't approved by the FDA, or any Earth medicine men.

Pimpin' really is quite easy.

On a semi-related note, I did once have a son who then turned out to be a clone. Super-boy. More like super-puss if you ask me. Someone thought It'd be a fucking laugh if they took half me and half Luthor and mixed it up. Wow. Gay. Thanks for readin Anonym0use, and if ya see Bruce, kick him in the junk for me!

See? NO ONE likes Superboy.

Happy MLK Day

My Man Ali: I let him win that one...

So ya'll are probably like 'Superman, you're literally, like, the beacon for white strength and all that bullshit'. Well I've got news for all ya poozers, I'm an alien who just happens to have the skin color that you refer to as 'white'. I've been all across this stupid ass universe, and I've seen literally every 'skin' color of lack thereof. I don't hate on others for that shit, I hate people when they're fucking dumb and/or piss me off. Shit, I literally killed a dozen fools calling themselves White Martians.

White Martians: Ugly as fuck

Now I realize that MLK Day is all about equality (check out New Hampshire, those nuts call it Civil Rights Day) but sometimes, everything isn't equal. I'm not talking about race, or color, or creed, I'm talking about power mother fuckers. Example: Batman is not equal to Superman. HAHA! ZING! Eat that Brucey!

 

BOOM BITCH!

Anyway, have a safe, fun(?), and thoughtful MLK Day, and remember all humans are equal, but kyrptonians are better!