Nu-Year Nu-Me (Naaah)

Wha-huh? Where am I? Who are you people?

LOL, JK. I was just trying to punk ya'll. I know exactly what this is... it's my stupid blog that I forgot about. Let's see what's happend since we last left off:

1 - They released that dumbass Man of Steel movie despite my multiple strongly worded letters. It sucked. Evreyone thought it sucked... AND I didn't see a zod-damn dime! I did like the part when I broke that jabroni Zod's neck though. Haha, all the nerds were like "ooohhh nooo Superman wouldn't do that!" Newsflash: I can, and I will... especially if that jabroni Snyder makes me lose to Bruce in his new turd that's coming out.

(lol, say uncle, nerd)

2 - Donald Trump is a legit presidential candidate... Really people? REALLY?! For farts sake, this guy is a crappy version of Luthor. He's got bad hair, has a bunch of money, hates immigrants... I'm almost 100% Bruce is trolling me with this loser. Make America great again? Bunch of BS. I'd like to see Trump take down Titano while simultaneously pretending to be a doofus who works at a newspaper. He can't, because he's an idiot along with the rest of the jamokes running for president who specifically are not me. Write in Superman 2016!

(see? SEEEEEE?!)

That's pretty much it, right? Nothing else has happened in the last few years or so right? Surely nothing as important as what I was doing (which was totally not getting locked in box by a bunch of Don Draper rip-offs).

(Last time I ever try to out drink an ad man)

Whatever, I'm back... at least until I forget to force Jimmy to pay my cable bill again.

I'm Back! In Pog Form!

Out of the ashes of awesomeness comes your favorite (and really only choice) hero: ME! Yeah I know, I haven't slapped the keyboard in a while, but guess what? Your planet is still here,  you're still breathing air, and using the internet. Let's just say I've been busy keeping that shit the way it is. Anyhoo, in between slapping Brainiac into orbit and watching Game of Thrones, it was brought to my attention that there is a movie coming out about me... AND I'M ENRAGED.

(Jimmy's dumbass movie looks better)

Normally I wouldn't mind having the world pay to watch me save the world over and over again (note, figure out how to do this). However, this motion picture dealio is totally bogus. I'm not sure who these Warner Brothers are but they didn't ever ask me to make a movie about my exploits. After watching their dumptastic Green Lantern movie (I mean, it was worse than the real life Green Lantern), I can only imagine their going to make me look like some overly sensitive dufus who doesn't just punch his problems away. I mean how are they going to make a realistic flick if they didn't even ask what my favorite kind of scotch is (answer: all) or how many broads I bang out on the reg (answer: infinite). Bottom line, if you want the real Superman story, read this very blog your mortal eyes are now looking at. If you want to see some pussy flying around, crying, and getting his ass kicked by an inferior douchebag (Zod? Seriously who the fuck is named Zod anyway?), then by all means go see this "Man of Steel" BS. You can find me at the bar... OR SAVING YOUR STINKHOLE PLANET!

(Always prepared, and by prepared I mean hammered)

Wait a minute... Bruce put them up to this didn't he? That fucking idiot, I'm gonna go pee on Wayne Manor.

Rapture? Yeah Right...

Today Perry gave me an assignment to cover this rapture thing that's supposed to happen on Saturday. At first I was all like, "Fuck no P-Dog, I don't work on Saturday". Then he was all mad and crap (old man rage I like to call it), so I was all like "Fine, but I totally don't even know what a rapture is. Isn't that like a fucking bird or some shit?". Then, out of nowhere, Jimmy 'ginger prime' Olsen pops up and starts ranting about this end of the world, God coming down and saving a couple jerks, and leaving the rest of the flightless fucks here to die. What?! Now I've seen a lot of crazy shit in my day. A short list would include such things as: having a backwards retarded version of myself, being to the end of existence with Booster Gold, and fighting a fucking rainbow.

Just an average day, punchin' rainbows

So I've seen some crazy shit in my day, but even I find it hard to believe that this rapture thing is going to happen. First of all, where's the motivation? If there is anything I know about super villains (and the "God" fellow is screaming villain right now), it's that they need some sort of motivation. This motivation doesn't need to make any sense, but it either A) will profit them somehow or B) has something to do with their costume. Now I have no idea what this God fellow looks like, but judging by his name, Im going to toss out option B...

Stealing S shirts? Hey, at least he's got purpose...

This would leave option A, profit. What the fuck does God have to gain by killing off all of "his people" (pompous jerk) and/or bringing all the rest of them back to his place where he is presumably going to give all these freeloaders room and board. Fuck that. Sounds like bullshit to me. Regardless of what happens this weekend I'm not going to care, and I'm sure as Hell not going to cover the story. Saturday is my day off Perry, I don't fuckin' roll!

 

Even after ya'll are raptured, I'm still gonna be chillin'. Also, I won't have to shave!

The Day After St Patrick's Day Day

So as I sit here at my desk at the Daily Planet I can't help but stare at my mortal co-workers and think about how stupid they are. I mean, just yesterday Lois jammed the copier, and Jimmy tried to fix it with fucking red kryptonite. Then Perry had a heart attack... fucking idiot. I had to turn into Superman to fix all that shit... I mean, will it kill you to hire some fucking IT guys? Sometimes I think that I'm on some sort of hidden camera show, but no one here is that clever... and by here I mean all of Metropolis. Now, on any given work day, I have this thought about once every hour. Today I can't stop thinking that. 

 Ladies and Gentlemen, these people have won Pulitzers...

Why today you ask? Why is it that on this Friday in March do I have less of an opinion for my co-workers than I do on any other day? Well, I finally have had enough of retarded Earth holidays. St. Patrick's Day? I don't need another reason to drink, or any reason to drink for that matter. Also what the fuck is a St. Patrick? Jimmy tried to explain it to me, but A) I wasn't listening and B) I never cared in the first place. However, I did convince him to get really drunk which was a hoot and a half. You ever see a ginger kid barf pure green? Reminded me of krypton. I'm pretty sure I puke green, but its been like 200000 years since I last puked. Anyway, Earthlings like to celebrate stupid shit. Whether it leprechauns (fuck that) or egg laying giant rabbits, you give them a reason to buy greeting cards and they go ape shit.

The punchline of an elaborate present getting scheme backfires

I've tried to enjoy your Earth holidays, I truly have but honestly, a good majority of them are lame as shit. Where's your Kick the Village Idiot Day? Where's your Titty Love Day? I mean, these are Kryptonian staples... Fuck this Earth Day, Flag Day, Love Day bullshit... wake me up when they make Spring Break an official holiday. Until then, Supes out!

That's right biddies, this way to the bikini contest

Oscars? More like the OscSARS!

Oscars are coming up (up and away) on Sunday, and I am SUPER excited! Bruce and I are going to make a three layer bean dip, have some virgin martinis, and hug when Natalie wins for best actress. It's going to be grand.

Everlasting looooooove!

 

PSYCHE! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I? Seriously folks, I could give two shits about movies. First of all, any movie not about me sucks. Shoot, even the ones about me usually blow harder than my freeze breath. Not to mention the fact that Krypton had 4D movies, so suck on that Jimmy Cameron. Secondly, why the fuck would I go to the movies? Think about this, on an average day I'm going to be traveling through space (maybe even time) punching things that most humans will never know even exist. I mean, Jesus Christ, I've been to the end of existence! I'm not even kidding, Booster Gold and one of those green lantern idiots was there. I can't remember what we were doing at the end of time (I was pretty sideways on nyquil) but I'm 100% sure its more interesting than anything most of you will do in your life, ever.

I'd consider this a slow day

 

So, like I said, your Earth movies are fucking lame. However, since I'm a reporter and (kinda) have to maintain a secret identity, I have to at least pretend that The Academy Awards gives me a big journalistic boner. Since I haven't seen a movie since I accidentally watched Biodome after losing my TV remote, I had to find out a little about the more popular movies at this year's awards. Since I'm too lazy to read anything and/or use the internet, I figured I'd ask Jimmy about this year's least shitty movies. Then, based off the little info he gave me, I formed an educated opinion... that's REAL journalism for ya kids:

Inception

 This giant motherfucker just got INCEPTED!

Jimmy talked about this one for the better part of an hour. At no point did he form a coherent thought or anything that could possibly be described as a 'plot'. I want to say its about sleeping in the rain or something. Its got some girl in it who was pregnant and now isn't (Jimmy's words), along with some guy who was on a boat at some point. Sounded really gay.

127 Hours

 Bike riding: it's never cool

Some shit about bike riding. Nothing gayer than riding bikes. Only pussies and dudes from the turn of the century ride bikes. Pretty sure Batman has a bike. This movie better lose.

Black Swan

 I don't get it.

When I asked Jimmy about this one, his voiced cracked and his face turned really red. I think I broke him. Still have no idea why the fuck anyone would want to watch a movie about swans.

King's Speech

The only king's speech ya'll should care about

Jimmy said he didn't see this one because he can't understand British accents. Earthlings, let me just point this out now, Jimmy is just one of millions you allow to elect your leader. This shit WOULD NOT fly on Krypton.

Toy Story 3

 Honestly, this guy needs to quit or move to Gotham

This is another one Jimmy talked about for a good hour. I didn't listen to anything he was saying. After he mentioned Toys, all I could think about was that douche Toy Man who is always fucking with my shit. That dude is so pathetic, his whole shtick is toys... sounds like he should be over in Gotham.... I mean he realizes I can punch the moon in half right? A fucking toy soldier, no matter how big it is, will never destroy me. Anyway, I pick this one for the least shitty movie of the year... if for any reason, because Jimmy left after he told me about this one. WIN!

Workin' Not Hard At All for the Money

A lot of cry babies out there these days complaining about how they can't get a job or about how much their job sucks. WOW what a bunch of pansies you are. I have two jobs... well three jobs: Reporter (ha), Earth's sexiest ass kicker (not Batman), and bikini inspector. I invented that last one because I also invented the bikini (that's true shit, google it). On top of the I'm always saving cats from trees or tricking Jimmy into marrying chimps , so I really have like ten jobs.

You thought I was kidding? I've done this like four times. HILARIOUS!

 

So with my twenty-five jobs I still have time to complain on this stupid shit called the internet. I did this without a degree, really any form of education, shit I'm not even a citizen. Haha, I'm stealing your jobs and I don't even pay taxes. Basically when I showed up to the Daily Planet my resume had a hand scribbled name and my skills inculded "punching the Earth in half" and"bikini inspector". To my luck old man Perry White thought my muscles made his editorial department look badass, and he had never heard of a bikini (it was the 30s... so no biggie....although he might be gay, verdict still out on that guy).

Telepathy? Its called caller ID suckers

 

Anyway, if you want a job, you can have one of mine, but only the reporter one.... and maybe the saving the Earth one... actually you can only have the reporter one because that job is fucking garbage. First off I just write down things that I see during my day. Sometimes it's literally just a scribble with words like 'gay' or 'steal whatever Jimmy is working on'. I honestly have no idea what a reporter even is or does. As far as I can tell they literally just tell people things they don't want to hear.

 Whoops, there goes my Pulitzer

Furthermore, I work with a bunch of annoying gnats. I literally can't stand these idiots. On one side I've got Jimmy Olsen spewing garbage about Pokemons and twitters into my face. Jimmy, you're nearly 40 now GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. I swear, if you "accidentally" use your signal watch while *barf* pleasuring yourself, I'm taking that thing away. I still have no idea why I gave that idiot a watch that only I can hear from anywhere on the planet... oh yeah, it's because he gets himself into hilariously stupid situations. Meanwhile, I've got Lois 'frusty cunt' Lane sticking her nose up my ass. Seriously bitch, I know you need to get laid and I would be more than willing to take one for the team, but I'd literally break you into a million pieces. I'm sorry no one likes you, maybe dye your hair blonde, get a boob job or some shit. Then at least people won't mind looking at you... nothing you ca do about that voice though...

Wow, on the first guess too... fucking psycho

In a closing note: Yes I might be an illegal immigrant without a degree or any formal education working several jobs, but take a look at Bruce Wayne. He doesn't do shit, and he's a billionaire. Guess what folks, that fuck doesn't pay taxes either. According to him he 'gives it all back in the streets'. You know that he wrote off the batmobile as his work vehicle? There's some fucking reporting for ya! BOO-YAH!

Krypton's Last Son's First Blog

Somehow you've stumbled upon this stupid blog things of mine. Now, I know what you're all thinking (figuratively you idiots, I don't have telepathy... yet), why is Superman all up in the blog-o-sphere? The reasons true believers is twofold:

1) Jimmy 'turd nugget' Olsen wouldn't keep his freckled yap shut about all this facespace, tweeter bullshit. "Hey Clark you on this? Hey Mr. Kent, you see my tweebs? Oh man, look at this video my friend posted of him getting faced by Toyman, lololol." Now imagine this x100 coming from a ginger. Not to mention the fact that he spews the same garbage to me when I take off my glasses and put on a cape, except substitute Clark for Superman. Seriously, how can someone so slow get a job at a newspaper? I bet the crumb-bum can't even read.

2) When the media, aka your girlfriend and ginger admirer, lables you as the fucking greatest most perfect and wholesome thing on the planet since Jesus Christ, it makes it a little difficult to blow off steam. Batman gets stressed? He goes and punches some crackhead's skull in. If I did that the population of Earth would be two (Me and Wonder Woman *wink*). Despite 'The American Way' being part of my aforementioned media formulated motto, I don't get to swear, drink, or be racist in public.

So as you see, if I didn't write in this blog (what the heck does that even mean?) I'd go on a murderous rampage, starting with everyone's favorite red headhead photog. So world, (and Brainiac) sit back and get ready to absorb my krypton rage, one blog at a time... oh yeah and on that tweetweet thing too (twitter.com/SupermanSpeaks)