Super Spotlight 5: Rings are for Ladies

 A puppet? A PUPPET?! Fucking-A...

Been a while since I've done a Super Spotlight. You can call me lazy (which is like, half true... but when's the last time you saved a fucking planet?), but I don't exactly look forward to writing about people I don't like, i.e. everyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I love talking trash about these crumb bums, but the time it takes me to type this into my keyboard (without smashing it to minuscule bits) could be much better used doing nothing and/or drinking and/or pissing off Batman.

SUPER NOOGIE

 

Anyway, this spotlight is going to be on some numb nuts who flies around the universe like his shit don't stink. Obviously I'm talking about the super-narc Green Lantern (Hal Jordan specifically, don't get this twisted I like maybe two of the lanterns). Hal thinks he's all big and bad because some dying alien gave him a piece of jewelery. Yep, no dumbass lab accidents here, no wealthy billionaires, or amazon goddess. This clown got his super powers by literally being a shitty pilot.

It was either Hal, or a rock, in a coin flip, he chose Hal

 

So Hal gets this ugly ass green ring and suddenly becomes this intergalactic super cop. For the most part I have no beef with the fuzz. I basically do their job here on Earth, and I do it about 100% more efficiently than the Metropolis PD. However, these green lantern fools think they're like robocops or some shit. Hell no. If I fuck up just once and 'accidentally' blow up a planet, these guys will be on my ass faster than a pedobear at a playground, and Hal would be leading the charge. Hey assholes, where the fuck were you when Krypton blew up?

Exhibit A: A cocksucker in action

 

Without his silly little ring, Hal is completely feeble, like more feeble than Bruce. So basically if you hate Hal Jordan, just wait until he's doing his dishes or some shit and the blast him (he's paranoid about losing that thing to the garbage disposal). I mean, this clown used to have a weakness to, get this, the color yellow. WHAT? At least my weakness is to a physical thing, but a color? That's really gay.

 Who cares why he calls himself The Crumbler... he has YELLOW!

Whoops, sorry America, the bad guys have yellow paint, LOL

When an idiot wearing a suit made of yellow construction paper makes you quiver, you are not a super hero, you're a super pussy (who cares if you died and came back, we've all done that). There, I said it, Green Lantern is a super pussy.... and I hope his movie blows. KAL-EL OUT!