Super Spotlight 5: Rings are for Ladies

 A puppet? A PUPPET?! Fucking-A...

Been a while since I've done a Super Spotlight. You can call me lazy (which is like, half true... but when's the last time you saved a fucking planet?), but I don't exactly look forward to writing about people I don't like, i.e. everyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I love talking trash about these crumb bums, but the time it takes me to type this into my keyboard (without smashing it to minuscule bits) could be much better used doing nothing and/or drinking and/or pissing off Batman.

SUPER NOOGIE

 

Anyway, this spotlight is going to be on some numb nuts who flies around the universe like his shit don't stink. Obviously I'm talking about the super-narc Green Lantern (Hal Jordan specifically, don't get this twisted I like maybe two of the lanterns). Hal thinks he's all big and bad because some dying alien gave him a piece of jewelery. Yep, no dumbass lab accidents here, no wealthy billionaires, or amazon goddess. This clown got his super powers by literally being a shitty pilot.

It was either Hal, or a rock, in a coin flip, he chose Hal

 

So Hal gets this ugly ass green ring and suddenly becomes this intergalactic super cop. For the most part I have no beef with the fuzz. I basically do their job here on Earth, and I do it about 100% more efficiently than the Metropolis PD. However, these green lantern fools think they're like robocops or some shit. Hell no. If I fuck up just once and 'accidentally' blow up a planet, these guys will be on my ass faster than a pedobear at a playground, and Hal would be leading the charge. Hey assholes, where the fuck were you when Krypton blew up?

Exhibit A: A cocksucker in action

 

Without his silly little ring, Hal is completely feeble, like more feeble than Bruce. So basically if you hate Hal Jordan, just wait until he's doing his dishes or some shit and the blast him (he's paranoid about losing that thing to the garbage disposal). I mean, this clown used to have a weakness to, get this, the color yellow. WHAT? At least my weakness is to a physical thing, but a color? That's really gay.

 Who cares why he calls himself The Crumbler... he has YELLOW!

Whoops, sorry America, the bad guys have yellow paint, LOL

When an idiot wearing a suit made of yellow construction paper makes you quiver, you are not a super hero, you're a super pussy (who cares if you died and came back, we've all done that). There, I said it, Green Lantern is a super pussy.... and I hope his movie blows. KAL-EL OUT!

First Fan Mail!

So I don't know how these blog things are supposed to work, but I was expecting a pile of fan emails. I mean, I figured there would be at least one or two 'thanks for saving the world, now come bone me' letters from some hot chicks. Nope. According to me email supervisor and Justice League intern Arthur 'Aquaman' Curry I recieved only one (1!) stupid piece of electronic mail. Lame. It's lame as shit, but I'm going to answer it anyway. It reads:

"Dear Super-Man,

My friends and I have always wondered, how do you keep your identity a secret?

Sincerely,
Your pal"

Alright, before I even answer this question for about the 100th time, I'm going to have to take your mortal brain down a few pegs. First off, no hyphen in the name. I didn't get bitten by a radioactive man you tool. Save the hyphens for other heroes and women named La-La (ladashla). Secondly, you have no friends, so don't pretend like this is something you and your 'friends' are talking about. Lastly, your letter itself is a fucking paradox. How can you know about my secret identity yet claim it to be a secret. Someone here is fishing for information... JIMMY! Regardless I'm going to break this down for you.

LOL I straight up told this guy... whoever he is.

Lemme just get this whole Clark Kent thing out there. If you haven't figured it out, that Clark and I are the same person, then you probably are having a hard time reading this blog. I mean, I'm really not even trying to hide it, I'm fucking Superman. I throw on a pair of glasses, slouch a bit, act like a doofus, and people think 'there is absolutely NO WAY that this tall, jacked, dummy could be Superman'. Seriously, I kind of went out of my way to make the fact that I'm Kent rather clear. You guys really think Kent has to take a dump everytime Metallo tries to blow up the Daily Planet? Or how about the fact that Superman is always around when Clark isn't? Seriously, I'm pretty sure a fucking chimp could've figured this one out (and I'm not saying Detective Chimp, that monkey is damn sharp)

No Lois, I just realized I don't give a fuck 

Something that just occurred to me after writing this all out is how much of a cheating whore Lois is.... Is the fact that she's cheating on me with my alter ego something I should worry about? Whatever this is like that Olsen Twins movie I saw once where the twins tricked a guy into thinking they were the same person! So funny! Hhaha. Martain Manhunter and I used to pull that shit all the time, haha. Having a shapeshifter as a friend is the bomb. For a Martian he's got a fuckload more personality then mopey pants Wayne.

Anyway, I've been tricking you for years! Now since my secret is out I'm going to give my friend Zatanna a call and she's going to erase all your brains! I've done it before, to my own friends even. So get those emails and comments in before you suddenly don't recognize all your friends who wear glasses.

 Remember that Batsy... oh wait you can't possibly haha

Cheers!