Super Spotlight 5: Rings are for Ladies

 A puppet? A PUPPET?! Fucking-A...

Been a while since I've done a Super Spotlight. You can call me lazy (which is like, half true... but when's the last time you saved a fucking planet?), but I don't exactly look forward to writing about people I don't like, i.e. everyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I love talking trash about these crumb bums, but the time it takes me to type this into my keyboard (without smashing it to minuscule bits) could be much better used doing nothing and/or drinking and/or pissing off Batman.

SUPER NOOGIE

 

Anyway, this spotlight is going to be on some numb nuts who flies around the universe like his shit don't stink. Obviously I'm talking about the super-narc Green Lantern (Hal Jordan specifically, don't get this twisted I like maybe two of the lanterns). Hal thinks he's all big and bad because some dying alien gave him a piece of jewelery. Yep, no dumbass lab accidents here, no wealthy billionaires, or amazon goddess. This clown got his super powers by literally being a shitty pilot.

It was either Hal, or a rock, in a coin flip, he chose Hal

 

So Hal gets this ugly ass green ring and suddenly becomes this intergalactic super cop. For the most part I have no beef with the fuzz. I basically do their job here on Earth, and I do it about 100% more efficiently than the Metropolis PD. However, these green lantern fools think they're like robocops or some shit. Hell no. If I fuck up just once and 'accidentally' blow up a planet, these guys will be on my ass faster than a pedobear at a playground, and Hal would be leading the charge. Hey assholes, where the fuck were you when Krypton blew up?

Exhibit A: A cocksucker in action

 

Without his silly little ring, Hal is completely feeble, like more feeble than Bruce. So basically if you hate Hal Jordan, just wait until he's doing his dishes or some shit and the blast him (he's paranoid about losing that thing to the garbage disposal). I mean, this clown used to have a weakness to, get this, the color yellow. WHAT? At least my weakness is to a physical thing, but a color? That's really gay.

 Who cares why he calls himself The Crumbler... he has YELLOW!

Whoops, sorry America, the bad guys have yellow paint, LOL

When an idiot wearing a suit made of yellow construction paper makes you quiver, you are not a super hero, you're a super pussy (who cares if you died and came back, we've all done that). There, I said it, Green Lantern is a super pussy.... and I hope his movie blows. KAL-EL OUT!

Super Spotlight 4: The Fastest Idiot Alive

 Bitch please.

Its been a while since I've ripped one of my "friends" so here goes. This time I'll be telling you all about how much I hate the Flash(es). Now, for those of you not in the know, there are like fifteen of these little bastards running around (see what I did there?). I though Bruce was bad at keeping his cowl to himself, but it seems that the Flash has the same mantle passing problem. I'm not even sure I know who the guy is... I mean he does where a mask. Now some of ya'll are gonna be like "Herp derp, Flash dies and comes back from the dead so technically its just... herp derp derp". Well I died once and my "replacements" had the decency to at least not go rummaging through my closet. So right off the bat (Bat?) I don't like this Flash guy... too much for me to remember.

All of these winners call themselves the Flash... or something even dumber than that (Kid Flash?)

Furthermore, he's one of those Earthlings who got his powers by essentially being a moron. Hal Jordan crashes his plane and is awarded a mystical space-ring, the Wayne's raise a psycho-child and then go walk down a place called CRIME ALLEY at night, and the Flash inhales "hard water vapor" (or spills chemicals on himself, depending on which running man were talking about). So now I get at least ten calls a day about how some kid died inhaling hard water vapor. What the fuck is hard water anyway? I thought that shit just made your shower scummy, nothing about granting super speed...

Two failures, one name

 

So essentially this Flash guy can just run fast. Yep, that's it, just super speed. Notice that his ONE power is just a part of like my million powers. I mean, the shit even has the guts to call it SUPER speed. What a fucking rip. That be like me calling my house the Bat-house... but that would be both a lie and fucking lame. Flash does this thing all the time where he wants to race me. How old are we now Wally (Barry, Jay, Impulse, Kid Flash, etc etc) twelve? I mean, what grown man challenges someone to a race if they aren't like that fast Jamaican dude? How about I ask you to a punching contest eh Flashy? Oh... wait, that's right you're just a fragile little Earth dork.

 Eat my dust Scarlet Sucker!

I mean, the dude sucks as it is, yet somehow his bad guys make him suck even more. Beyond his Bizarro rip-offs (aka the moronically named Reverse Flash) his stable of villains (who are too clueless to call themselves anything but The Rogues) include: A talking gorilla, a guy with hover boots, a guy who spins really fast, a guy with boomerangs, and a dingus with a flute. And here I am thinking Toy Man is a fucking loser. My god, I might even go so far as to say this Flash moron has attracted bigger idiots than Bruce (yeah right).

Mr. Element? Are you fucking kidding me?

 

In other news, some of you actually listened to me and hooked me up with some sweet memes. Feast your brain mouths upon these humor ridden morsels. These winning nuggets of truth, justice, and the American way are from loyal reader Shawn DC.

 

Super-Spotlight #1 - My Favorite Martian

So being super in all ways, one day I figured I wanted to be super lazy. Ya'know, kick back, drink a few brewskis and watch some Real Housewives of Gotham (aka chicks that Bruce wishes he could bang). So being a super genius, I put together the Justice League. Don't let the history books fool you, this was 100% my idea, and my project. If someone tells you otherwise, maybe they were mistaken because I was wearing glasses or some garbage. Anyway, this ended up being an, obviously, super idea, considering pretty much right as I was setting this shit up, a giant mind sucking starfish shows up on Earth. Since I really didn't want to deal with that shit... seriously, who would? I sent my posse aka the newly formed Jutice Shmucks after them.

 Haha, suckers. Also, WTF are you doing Aquaman?

As time wore on this little 'get out of saving the world' card began to fall apart, and yours truly had to start saving the planet... again. However, the JL continues to limp on, with or without me. Now, being Superman and having put together this team, and being able to see through shit, has allowed me to write extensive bios and files on all of my 'friends'. I'm gonna share with you some of these files, because honestly, I don't give a crap if ya'll know their secret identities... they should've never told me in the first place, I am a super gossip after all.

SUPER SPOLIGHT #1 - Martian Manhunter

Even Martians do LSD

Good 'ol Johnny boy. Now right off the bat I liked this guy. Like me, he came to Earth for the chicks after his entire species was wiped out (don't let him tell you otherwise, it was no 'accident'). Like most aliens, he had dope ass powers. He is pretty much me (slightly less super) but has some neat-o mind shit and some changey abilities. Knowing full well how much Earth chicks hate ugly ass aliens, he maximized his Earth pussy intake by taking on the secret identity of private eye John Jones. So instantly I knew that this cat was rare, and being new to Earth he was also a fucking sucker. So naturally I wanted this smooth, non-earth spawn to represent my super self. With him on the team, Batman would feel like he 'needed to keep an eye on other aliens' so he would join. Then I threatened to embarass Flash and Green Lantern by tagging all those really gay pics I took. Round it off with some Wonder Woman (let's just say she owes me), and voila! A fucking super team worthy of giving me the day off.

 J'onn and I, puttin that bitch in her place.

Back to my man J'onn. He's chill for many reasons that Batman isn't chill. He like chocos, crushes on mad hoes, and loves to talk trash. Him and I used to go around pulling mad pranks with his changey powers too haha. Fucking Earthlings are really dumb. That's why J'onn is the tits. He also thinks Earthlings are slow and squishy, and he knows that we're both going to outlive them all. So might as well use their planet for super battles and alien sex parties until they're all dead right?! So next time you're all like "OH NOOOOOO111!!!! mONGUL is come to eat us!11!!1 SUPARMEN COME SAVE NAOW?@1!", and I don't show up? You know I'm with big green, smoking on that purple stuff (alien drugs ya'll not your pussy Earth weeds).

Out of all the Justice League, I hate you the least