Super-Spotlight #2: Tits are the Tits

So there is this rumor floating around the galaxies that Earth chicks are easy. I think there was a radio show about it or some shit, I dunno, I don't follow Earth media. It's all mostly shit, I mean they let me be a reporter for the largest newspaper in the world with no education, proof of citizenship, or really for any reason other than I 'got the good shit on Superman'. Fucking idiots. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Earth chicks being sluts.

 Lies!

This is a complete and utter fallacy. Earth women, like all other child bearing being across the galaxy, are fundamentally flawed. Having been from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of crazy pussy, but I've never seen such a widespread hate for the 'ol Super meat than on Earth. After having several drunken conversations with J'onn about this fact, we both came up with the problem behind this. It's all the fault of one Wonder Woman aka Diana Prince aka the only vagina on Earth capable of handling a Super-load.

Amoeba, Merman (who?), or Mall Security? How's about a Kryptonian?

That's right, the onyl chick on Earth I can penetrate without blowing her in half. Sorry for being graphic (not really), but I went through like five girlfriends in High School before I figured out that wasn't a normal Earth thing (Thanks Pa Kent for letting me know about that). That's the past thought, and me being pissed off by Wonder Woman is the present.

Haha Bruce, go an hug Robin why don't ya, you pedo-freak

A little history lesson here folks. When I first met Diana I was all like, fuck yes a hot chick who has super powers and junk who ISN'T my cousin (more on Power Girl later... ugh). Little did I know she was an Amazon. If you don't know what an Amazon is, let me give you a little definition.

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Amazon (n): (1) A chick who lives with only chicks. Has no idea what a penis is, and when they find out, they totally fucking hate it. Bitches who seriously never have sex on the mind despite carrying whips, lassos, and other such awesome bondage materials. Essentially, these Earth chicks are NOT easy.

 

There it is folks, even more absurd than the fucking amoeba suitor

I mean, that definition is fucking right out of Webster's, so its the real deal. Google that shit if you don't believe me. I am a journalist after all, so I'm like 100% truthful, all the time (LOL!). Basically Wonder Woman is a huge tease, who likes tying guys up with her 'lasso of truth' because she's uncomfortable with her apparent asexuality.

 Haha, Bruce is such an emo idiot. Even Red Tornado is getting hammered... and he's a fucking robot. Also, no chance in hell you'll score with Diana (because she isn't a little boy SNAP!)

Hey, don't hate, I've yet to see her hook up with anybody... that being said, Batman still has less of a chance of hooking up with her than me. She once told me that "His creepy rapist voice makes her vagina tight". Haha Bruce, your voice makes va-jay-jays sad. HAHAA!

Super-Spotlight #1 - My Favorite Martian

So being super in all ways, one day I figured I wanted to be super lazy. Ya'know, kick back, drink a few brewskis and watch some Real Housewives of Gotham (aka chicks that Bruce wishes he could bang). So being a super genius, I put together the Justice League. Don't let the history books fool you, this was 100% my idea, and my project. If someone tells you otherwise, maybe they were mistaken because I was wearing glasses or some garbage. Anyway, this ended up being an, obviously, super idea, considering pretty much right as I was setting this shit up, a giant mind sucking starfish shows up on Earth. Since I really didn't want to deal with that shit... seriously, who would? I sent my posse aka the newly formed Jutice Shmucks after them.

 Haha, suckers. Also, WTF are you doing Aquaman?

As time wore on this little 'get out of saving the world' card began to fall apart, and yours truly had to start saving the planet... again. However, the JL continues to limp on, with or without me. Now, being Superman and having put together this team, and being able to see through shit, has allowed me to write extensive bios and files on all of my 'friends'. I'm gonna share with you some of these files, because honestly, I don't give a crap if ya'll know their secret identities... they should've never told me in the first place, I am a super gossip after all.

SUPER SPOLIGHT #1 - Martian Manhunter

Even Martians do LSD

Good 'ol Johnny boy. Now right off the bat I liked this guy. Like me, he came to Earth for the chicks after his entire species was wiped out (don't let him tell you otherwise, it was no 'accident'). Like most aliens, he had dope ass powers. He is pretty much me (slightly less super) but has some neat-o mind shit and some changey abilities. Knowing full well how much Earth chicks hate ugly ass aliens, he maximized his Earth pussy intake by taking on the secret identity of private eye John Jones. So instantly I knew that this cat was rare, and being new to Earth he was also a fucking sucker. So naturally I wanted this smooth, non-earth spawn to represent my super self. With him on the team, Batman would feel like he 'needed to keep an eye on other aliens' so he would join. Then I threatened to embarass Flash and Green Lantern by tagging all those really gay pics I took. Round it off with some Wonder Woman (let's just say she owes me), and voila! A fucking super team worthy of giving me the day off.

 J'onn and I, puttin that bitch in her place.

Back to my man J'onn. He's chill for many reasons that Batman isn't chill. He like chocos, crushes on mad hoes, and loves to talk trash. Him and I used to go around pulling mad pranks with his changey powers too haha. Fucking Earthlings are really dumb. That's why J'onn is the tits. He also thinks Earthlings are slow and squishy, and he knows that we're both going to outlive them all. So might as well use their planet for super battles and alien sex parties until they're all dead right?! So next time you're all like "OH NOOOOOO111!!!! mONGUL is come to eat us!11!!1 SUPARMEN COME SAVE NAOW?@1!", and I don't show up? You know I'm with big green, smoking on that purple stuff (alien drugs ya'll not your pussy Earth weeds).

Out of all the Justice League, I hate you the least