Super Spotlight 4: The Fastest Idiot Alive

 Bitch please.

Its been a while since I've ripped one of my "friends" so here goes. This time I'll be telling you all about how much I hate the Flash(es). Now, for those of you not in the know, there are like fifteen of these little bastards running around (see what I did there?). I though Bruce was bad at keeping his cowl to himself, but it seems that the Flash has the same mantle passing problem. I'm not even sure I know who the guy is... I mean he does where a mask. Now some of ya'll are gonna be like "Herp derp, Flash dies and comes back from the dead so technically its just... herp derp derp". Well I died once and my "replacements" had the decency to at least not go rummaging through my closet. So right off the bat (Bat?) I don't like this Flash guy... too much for me to remember.

All of these winners call themselves the Flash... or something even dumber than that (Kid Flash?)

Furthermore, he's one of those Earthlings who got his powers by essentially being a moron. Hal Jordan crashes his plane and is awarded a mystical space-ring, the Wayne's raise a psycho-child and then go walk down a place called CRIME ALLEY at night, and the Flash inhales "hard water vapor" (or spills chemicals on himself, depending on which running man were talking about). So now I get at least ten calls a day about how some kid died inhaling hard water vapor. What the fuck is hard water anyway? I thought that shit just made your shower scummy, nothing about granting super speed...

Two failures, one name

 

So essentially this Flash guy can just run fast. Yep, that's it, just super speed. Notice that his ONE power is just a part of like my million powers. I mean, the shit even has the guts to call it SUPER speed. What a fucking rip. That be like me calling my house the Bat-house... but that would be both a lie and fucking lame. Flash does this thing all the time where he wants to race me. How old are we now Wally (Barry, Jay, Impulse, Kid Flash, etc etc) twelve? I mean, what grown man challenges someone to a race if they aren't like that fast Jamaican dude? How about I ask you to a punching contest eh Flashy? Oh... wait, that's right you're just a fragile little Earth dork.

 Eat my dust Scarlet Sucker!

I mean, the dude sucks as it is, yet somehow his bad guys make him suck even more. Beyond his Bizarro rip-offs (aka the moronically named Reverse Flash) his stable of villains (who are too clueless to call themselves anything but The Rogues) include: A talking gorilla, a guy with hover boots, a guy who spins really fast, a guy with boomerangs, and a dingus with a flute. And here I am thinking Toy Man is a fucking loser. My god, I might even go so far as to say this Flash moron has attracted bigger idiots than Bruce (yeah right).

Mr. Element? Are you fucking kidding me?

 

In other news, some of you actually listened to me and hooked me up with some sweet memes. Feast your brain mouths upon these humor ridden morsels. These winning nuggets of truth, justice, and the American way are from loyal reader Shawn DC.

 

Crazy Sheen and Internet Meme

So, working in an office really blows. I mean, half the time I'm not even working and I still hate the Daily Planet. Actually it's probably more like a fifth of the time I spend there that I'm actually working. A majority of my day I spend: staring at Lois' butt, kicking Jimmy's ass at everything, pretending to type stories when I'm really tweeting, and telling Perry I'm going out to "cover a story" at a local bar/strip joint. Anyway, work sucks, as I've most definitely mention before, so like all you humans I waste a massive amount of time on this thing called the internet.

Exhibit S: The Internet Meme

Recently, and by recently I mean the last ten years, Jimmy has been obsessed with these viral videos and memes. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about... seriously you probably cant even read so I'm not even gonna tell you. Anyway, each week Jimmy comes in with a new group of stupid cat pictures or a video of a baby singing or some trash. Personally I like the videos where people get hit in the face, or fall down and get hit in the nuts. I also like porn, but that's neither here nor there.

Hahaha, nice use of Meatshield, Bruce

 

So sometimes these viral videos get so popular the idiots contained within their pixels get famous as fuck... like Booster Gold level fame (so not really that famous). Sometimes the people are already famous. I think there was a video of me cursing people out at a Planet Krypton restaurant (I own the franchise, you think I could get hammered there). So recently this tiger blooded toe-head Charlie Sheen has started spewing a lot of crazy talk and people are thinking he's the bees knees. FUCK. DAT. I'm going to warn you right now, I knew a guy once who drank tiger's blood AND made a drug named after himself, his name was LEX FUCKING LUTHOR! And now look at that bald mother fucker. Always trying to shoot the sun, or sell weapons to orphans... and other evil junk.

 Fucking asshole... that's FOUR WHOLE TENS of cake!

However, you still have time to avoid this. Don't patronize the fool known as Sheen. In fact, if you could convince him to move to Gotham, that'd probably be best. Batsy LOOOOOOOVES crazy people :) Actually instead of supporting Crazy Sheen, make your own meme! HEY-OOOOO and be sure to email them to thesupermanspeaks@gmail.com