Nu-Year Nu-Me (Naaah)

Wha-huh? Where am I? Who are you people?

LOL, JK. I was just trying to punk ya'll. I know exactly what this is... it's my stupid blog that I forgot about. Let's see what's happend since we last left off:

1 - They released that dumbass Man of Steel movie despite my multiple strongly worded letters. It sucked. Evreyone thought it sucked... AND I didn't see a zod-damn dime! I did like the part when I broke that jabroni Zod's neck though. Haha, all the nerds were like "ooohhh nooo Superman wouldn't do that!" Newsflash: I can, and I will... especially if that jabroni Snyder makes me lose to Bruce in his new turd that's coming out.

(lol, say uncle, nerd)

2 - Donald Trump is a legit presidential candidate... Really people? REALLY?! For farts sake, this guy is a crappy version of Luthor. He's got bad hair, has a bunch of money, hates immigrants... I'm almost 100% Bruce is trolling me with this loser. Make America great again? Bunch of BS. I'd like to see Trump take down Titano while simultaneously pretending to be a doofus who works at a newspaper. He can't, because he's an idiot along with the rest of the jamokes running for president who specifically are not me. Write in Superman 2016!

(see? SEEEEEE?!)

That's pretty much it, right? Nothing else has happened in the last few years or so right? Surely nothing as important as what I was doing (which was totally not getting locked in box by a bunch of Don Draper rip-offs).

(Last time I ever try to out drink an ad man)

Whatever, I'm back... at least until I forget to force Jimmy to pay my cable bill again.

I'm Back! In Pog Form!

Out of the ashes of awesomeness comes your favorite (and really only choice) hero: ME! Yeah I know, I haven't slapped the keyboard in a while, but guess what? Your planet is still here,  you're still breathing air, and using the internet. Let's just say I've been busy keeping that shit the way it is. Anyhoo, in between slapping Brainiac into orbit and watching Game of Thrones, it was brought to my attention that there is a movie coming out about me... AND I'M ENRAGED.

(Jimmy's dumbass movie looks better)

Normally I wouldn't mind having the world pay to watch me save the world over and over again (note, figure out how to do this). However, this motion picture dealio is totally bogus. I'm not sure who these Warner Brothers are but they didn't ever ask me to make a movie about my exploits. After watching their dumptastic Green Lantern movie (I mean, it was worse than the real life Green Lantern), I can only imagine their going to make me look like some overly sensitive dufus who doesn't just punch his problems away. I mean how are they going to make a realistic flick if they didn't even ask what my favorite kind of scotch is (answer: all) or how many broads I bang out on the reg (answer: infinite). Bottom line, if you want the real Superman story, read this very blog your mortal eyes are now looking at. If you want to see some pussy flying around, crying, and getting his ass kicked by an inferior douchebag (Zod? Seriously who the fuck is named Zod anyway?), then by all means go see this "Man of Steel" BS. You can find me at the bar... OR SAVING YOUR STINKHOLE PLANET!

(Always prepared, and by prepared I mean hammered)

Wait a minute... Bruce put them up to this didn't he? That fucking idiot, I'm gonna go pee on Wayne Manor.

You Aren't Batman

So this morning when I was at the office "doing work" (i.e. Staring out the window or at Lois' rack), Jimmy brought a news article to my attention. At first I thought this had something to do with actual work, seeing as I'm a reporter or something, so I instantly asked Jimmy to shove off and go get bent, and other such terms of endearment. Then, like twenty minutes later, I was bored and my eyes happened to fall on this aforementioned article, which you can find here (Idiot does Stupid Things). Immediately  I was engrossed by how stupid this idiot looked:

At first I figured it was some jackass that Bruce found and slapped a mask on in an attempt to make him his new ward or whatever the fuck he calls it. Then I realized he was too old for Bruce (snap!). Using my incredible detective skills lead me to believe that this man was indeed an actual real life idiot. Now kids, being a super hero is fun, easy, and gets you laid like the quarterback on prom night after he saves the planet from Mongul. However, if you don't have the ability to like shoot lasers from your eyes while getting shot with a cannon and throwing a mountain at someone, then I wouldn't recommend it. Not because it's unsafe, not because you'd make my 'job' a million times easier, but because you'd steal a large percentage of my heroing pussy.

Seriously though, don't fight crime. I don't want to get stuck with Aquaman's sloppy seconds... again...

Super Spotlight 6: A Fish Called Arthur

(I'm Aquaman now BITCH! Also, I invented Thirsty Thursday)

So it's been a while since I've done one of my world famous 'Spotlights'... it's also been a while since I've been on planet Earth and/or in a dimension that has the 'internet' so fuck all ya'll. Also, I got Direct TV up in the 'ol Fortress of Solitude so I've been watching every TV show ever... let me say, I love me some COPS. Anyway, like I just typed like two lines ago, I'm going to put down some words about our least favorite king of the seas. First off... KING OF THE SEAS? Yeah right buddy. I could say I was King of the Moon and people would care more. Seriously, humans stopped caring about the ocean when they invented the plane, because honestly anyone can swim, NO ONE can fly.

(It's called desalinization... idiot)

So I'm sure all of you are like "who the fuck is Aquaman"? Understandable, since he's like the wimpiest wimp on the surface world. For some reason we let him on to the Justice League. I think it was back in the day when there was like five super heroes, and we needed a sixth for more balanced board game nights (remember it was the 50s, there was no gangster rap, Jersey Shore, or internet yet, so like no crime). Anyway, only after we let him on the team did we determine his only power is being super useless. Seriously, the crumb bum talks to fish, is like a good swimmer, and can breath underwater. LAME.

(Yeah, I was hammered. Don't know what his excuse was)

I met King dingus many years ago during a fishing trip. That's right true believers, Big Blue here likes works the rod like a pro... wait... fuck. Anyway, I like to fish. Ya'know just kind of coast above the water, shoot heat rays at will, and see what floats to the surface. It's like way easier than using a fishing pole or some shit.

(Christmas is right around the corner folks!)

Anyhoo... Fishy Boy caught wind of like half the ocean getting blown apart by eye lasers and he wasn't all that pleased. Since he's an idiot, he comes at me full force, riding on top of his stupid giant seahorse clad in orange chainmail and green spandex looking like some sort of pride parade float. Since his tactic of making me laugh to death and/or feel bad for him backfired, I beat his ass into oblivion.

(Intimidation at its finest folks...)

After begging me for mercy, he offered to make me King of Atlantis (true story). I said, and I quote "Naw dog, shit's for pussies. How about you come work for me". He was so enamored with my muscles and ability to do cool things (like read!) he agreed. Now, whenever someone sends me an email, Aquaman reads it. He also gets me my coffee, walks Krypto, and shits in brown paper bags and leaves them on the steps of Wayne Manor. All of this because one day I ruined his friends and kicked his ass. All ya'll say bullying is bad too... pfffttttt

Haters Gonna Hate

First off. Stop calling/emailing/texting/yelling really loud to me about stopping natural disasters. Ain't shit I can do about hurricanes, Earthquakes, or temperatures being above 100 degrees. First off, if I can't punch it into bits, or fly it's ass into the vacuum of space, I'm not going to put in the effort to stop it. Secondly, stop being such pussies... seriously. Oh no it's raining and windy at the same time... You know how I spent my weekend while all ya'll were too busy hiding from rain? THIS:

That's right, I was fighting a giant... fist... thing? Ya'see I don't mind battling Brainiac in like some freaky-deeky video game world, or embarrassing Luthor day after day by pantsing him while his in a business meeting. However, I'm not like, the Red Cross or some crap. Cat in a tree? Call fucking Batman... or like, the police or something, I don't know. Hurricane got ya down? Not my problem, blame the shifting climate patterns of your shit planet... or learn how to fly and stop burning fossil fuels like a bunch of cavemen. I've honestly got a lot on my plate. I mean, when's the last time someone's spent their millions and billions of dollars on trying to kill you JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE MADE HIM BALD? Seriously, it really gets old.

So next time ya'll are about to flash the gang sign of justice (aka the Superman Signal) think about it. Is it something serious? Something that's going to make me look like a smooth, jacked up pimp? Or is it going to be front page news on Yahoo.crap? I'm here to punch world ending asteroids into world ending robots. I'm not here to teach people how not to get wet (unless it's the ladies WINK!)

I Saw a Movie

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Super Down Time

Sup Earth maggots? I bet you're all like "uuhhhh Super-Man, where you been at? I likez your blogz?" Well, idiots, I've saved the planet thrice, and the time stream frice. So, while all ya'll been strachtin' your butts and altering photos of birds so that they have arms (seriously: http://www.iywib.com/birds_with_arms.php), I've been doing shit. I've been so fucking busy that I forgot about the internet completely... actually that might be the Starro attached to me brain, I seem to be forgetting a lot of things recently...

Starro: Everyone is Doing it

Anyway, here's things that may or may not have happened since I went away:

- I left 142 flaming shits on the steps of Wayne Manor. ;)

- I killed a guy... with my BARE FISTS.

- I punched something (give or take 1 million things)

- I was a wrestler. LOL! SO GAY!

- I reversed the spin of the Earth by flying around it super fast to reverse time and prevent myself from eating at Applebees

- I farted.

- I died and then found myself dead. Yeah, it was... alright.

- I saw Larry Crowne (TIME TRAVEL BITCHES!)

- And lastly... I stopped this penny rainbow thief... thing (wtf?)

So as you can see, I was fucking busy. BACK OFF!