A Day at the Zoo

Sorry I've been absent from the blog-o-sphere for so long guys. Just kidding, I'm not sorry at all... in fact I don't even know if Kryptonians can feel the emotions involved with feeling sorry... fuck am I a robot again? Sonofa....

Believe it or not, this shit has happened more than once...

ANYWAY, as you may or may not know, life in the world of Kal has been fucking cray-cray as of late. I blew up the moon, replaced it with a super moon, and then I had to get the Fortress of Solitude fumigated for termites (ice mites?). So for the last few days I've been crashing at the JLA Watchtower aka the place I bring hot chicks I'm going to bang out when I want to make every other JLAer jealous. Up side of being at the watchtower is that I can constantly pester Aquaman into getting those T-Shirts made. The down side is pretty much everything else. The biggest bone I have with this place is the internet. Seriously, it's fucking 2011 and the Watchtower still has a dial-up connection? WTF?

Note, no where does it mention cable internet

 

As of right now I'm hovering about 100 feet above Wayne Manor, leeching Bruce's dope-ass connection with my kPad (Kryptonite iPad, this shit has Java and that's like the least cool thing about it). For about the last twenty minutes Bruce and his old man slave Alfie have been shooting a .22 hunting rifle at me. I don't know if they're missing on purpose, but they're both terrible fucking shots. I mean, 1) I'm not even moving and 2) I have a giant fucking bullseye on my chest in the shape of an S. Oh that's right, Batsy is too much of a woman to fire a gun. It would be like me being afraid of planets exploding because that's what killed my parents. Fuck that. I fear nothing.

Yeah, when this is a normal day, I really have stopped fearing anything

 

Anyway, going back to the fortress of solitude... or as I like to call it FoS. Some of you may not know this, but I have a fucking zoo in that bitch. All of these animals and freaky alien shits that are all the last of their kind. It looks like I'm being a really great guy, savings these animals and all that. Now don't get me wrong, the Super Menagerie has gotten me access to some pretty exclusive animals (*wink*), but I'm most definitely not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. No sir, don't get me confused with that PETA drop-out Animal Man. That dude falls into the category of: 'psychos who wear sunglasses at all times to appear less psycho'.

I take my last pic comment back, this guy fucking creeps me out

 

Hell no, I store those animals in there for three reasons:
1) Like I mentioned before, he helps me bang those dumb chicks who like birds and flowers and shit.
2) Hey, maybe I like to look at animals (aka watch them fuck, HILARIOUS! instant youtube gold)
3) I have eaten more species of animals than you will ever know exist.

Mmmmmm.... mini dinosaurs

 

That's right folks, I have eaten at least one of every animal I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure being a living Arc has granted me these special abilities... or at least super fire shits. LOL. Whoops, looks like Batsy is breaking out the kryptonite laced rounds. Catch ya later!

The Day After St Patrick's Day Day

So as I sit here at my desk at the Daily Planet I can't help but stare at my mortal co-workers and think about how stupid they are. I mean, just yesterday Lois jammed the copier, and Jimmy tried to fix it with fucking red kryptonite. Then Perry had a heart attack... fucking idiot. I had to turn into Superman to fix all that shit... I mean, will it kill you to hire some fucking IT guys? Sometimes I think that I'm on some sort of hidden camera show, but no one here is that clever... and by here I mean all of Metropolis. Now, on any given work day, I have this thought about once every hour. Today I can't stop thinking that. 

 Ladies and Gentlemen, these people have won Pulitzers...

Why today you ask? Why is it that on this Friday in March do I have less of an opinion for my co-workers than I do on any other day? Well, I finally have had enough of retarded Earth holidays. St. Patrick's Day? I don't need another reason to drink, or any reason to drink for that matter. Also what the fuck is a St. Patrick? Jimmy tried to explain it to me, but A) I wasn't listening and B) I never cared in the first place. However, I did convince him to get really drunk which was a hoot and a half. You ever see a ginger kid barf pure green? Reminded me of krypton. I'm pretty sure I puke green, but its been like 200000 years since I last puked. Anyway, Earthlings like to celebrate stupid shit. Whether it leprechauns (fuck that) or egg laying giant rabbits, you give them a reason to buy greeting cards and they go ape shit.

The punchline of an elaborate present getting scheme backfires

I've tried to enjoy your Earth holidays, I truly have but honestly, a good majority of them are lame as shit. Where's your Kick the Village Idiot Day? Where's your Titty Love Day? I mean, these are Kryptonian staples... Fuck this Earth Day, Flag Day, Love Day bullshit... wake me up when they make Spring Break an official holiday. Until then, Supes out!

That's right biddies, this way to the bikini contest

Super Spotlight 4: The Fastest Idiot Alive

 Bitch please.

Its been a while since I've ripped one of my "friends" so here goes. This time I'll be telling you all about how much I hate the Flash(es). Now, for those of you not in the know, there are like fifteen of these little bastards running around (see what I did there?). I though Bruce was bad at keeping his cowl to himself, but it seems that the Flash has the same mantle passing problem. I'm not even sure I know who the guy is... I mean he does where a mask. Now some of ya'll are gonna be like "Herp derp, Flash dies and comes back from the dead so technically its just... herp derp derp". Well I died once and my "replacements" had the decency to at least not go rummaging through my closet. So right off the bat (Bat?) I don't like this Flash guy... too much for me to remember.

All of these winners call themselves the Flash... or something even dumber than that (Kid Flash?)

Furthermore, he's one of those Earthlings who got his powers by essentially being a moron. Hal Jordan crashes his plane and is awarded a mystical space-ring, the Wayne's raise a psycho-child and then go walk down a place called CRIME ALLEY at night, and the Flash inhales "hard water vapor" (or spills chemicals on himself, depending on which running man were talking about). So now I get at least ten calls a day about how some kid died inhaling hard water vapor. What the fuck is hard water anyway? I thought that shit just made your shower scummy, nothing about granting super speed...

Two failures, one name

 

So essentially this Flash guy can just run fast. Yep, that's it, just super speed. Notice that his ONE power is just a part of like my million powers. I mean, the shit even has the guts to call it SUPER speed. What a fucking rip. That be like me calling my house the Bat-house... but that would be both a lie and fucking lame. Flash does this thing all the time where he wants to race me. How old are we now Wally (Barry, Jay, Impulse, Kid Flash, etc etc) twelve? I mean, what grown man challenges someone to a race if they aren't like that fast Jamaican dude? How about I ask you to a punching contest eh Flashy? Oh... wait, that's right you're just a fragile little Earth dork.

 Eat my dust Scarlet Sucker!

I mean, the dude sucks as it is, yet somehow his bad guys make him suck even more. Beyond his Bizarro rip-offs (aka the moronically named Reverse Flash) his stable of villains (who are too clueless to call themselves anything but The Rogues) include: A talking gorilla, a guy with hover boots, a guy who spins really fast, a guy with boomerangs, and a dingus with a flute. And here I am thinking Toy Man is a fucking loser. My god, I might even go so far as to say this Flash moron has attracted bigger idiots than Bruce (yeah right).

Mr. Element? Are you fucking kidding me?

 

In other news, some of you actually listened to me and hooked me up with some sweet memes. Feast your brain mouths upon these humor ridden morsels. These winning nuggets of truth, justice, and the American way are from loyal reader Shawn DC.

 

Crazy Sheen and Internet Meme

So, working in an office really blows. I mean, half the time I'm not even working and I still hate the Daily Planet. Actually it's probably more like a fifth of the time I spend there that I'm actually working. A majority of my day I spend: staring at Lois' butt, kicking Jimmy's ass at everything, pretending to type stories when I'm really tweeting, and telling Perry I'm going out to "cover a story" at a local bar/strip joint. Anyway, work sucks, as I've most definitely mention before, so like all you humans I waste a massive amount of time on this thing called the internet.

Exhibit S: The Internet Meme

Recently, and by recently I mean the last ten years, Jimmy has been obsessed with these viral videos and memes. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about... seriously you probably cant even read so I'm not even gonna tell you. Anyway, each week Jimmy comes in with a new group of stupid cat pictures or a video of a baby singing or some trash. Personally I like the videos where people get hit in the face, or fall down and get hit in the nuts. I also like porn, but that's neither here nor there.

Hahaha, nice use of Meatshield, Bruce

 

So sometimes these viral videos get so popular the idiots contained within their pixels get famous as fuck... like Booster Gold level fame (so not really that famous). Sometimes the people are already famous. I think there was a video of me cursing people out at a Planet Krypton restaurant (I own the franchise, you think I could get hammered there). So recently this tiger blooded toe-head Charlie Sheen has started spewing a lot of crazy talk and people are thinking he's the bees knees. FUCK. DAT. I'm going to warn you right now, I knew a guy once who drank tiger's blood AND made a drug named after himself, his name was LEX FUCKING LUTHOR! And now look at that bald mother fucker. Always trying to shoot the sun, or sell weapons to orphans... and other evil junk.

 Fucking asshole... that's FOUR WHOLE TENS of cake!

However, you still have time to avoid this. Don't patronize the fool known as Sheen. In fact, if you could convince him to move to Gotham, that'd probably be best. Batsy LOOOOOOOVES crazy people :) Actually instead of supporting Crazy Sheen, make your own meme! HEY-OOOOO and be sure to email them to thesupermanspeaks@gmail.com