The Day After St Patrick's Day Day

So as I sit here at my desk at the Daily Planet I can't help but stare at my mortal co-workers and think about how stupid they are. I mean, just yesterday Lois jammed the copier, and Jimmy tried to fix it with fucking red kryptonite. Then Perry had a heart attack... fucking idiot. I had to turn into Superman to fix all that shit... I mean, will it kill you to hire some fucking IT guys? Sometimes I think that I'm on some sort of hidden camera show, but no one here is that clever... and by here I mean all of Metropolis. Now, on any given work day, I have this thought about once every hour. Today I can't stop thinking that. 

 Ladies and Gentlemen, these people have won Pulitzers...

Why today you ask? Why is it that on this Friday in March do I have less of an opinion for my co-workers than I do on any other day? Well, I finally have had enough of retarded Earth holidays. St. Patrick's Day? I don't need another reason to drink, or any reason to drink for that matter. Also what the fuck is a St. Patrick? Jimmy tried to explain it to me, but A) I wasn't listening and B) I never cared in the first place. However, I did convince him to get really drunk which was a hoot and a half. You ever see a ginger kid barf pure green? Reminded me of krypton. I'm pretty sure I puke green, but its been like 200000 years since I last puked. Anyway, Earthlings like to celebrate stupid shit. Whether it leprechauns (fuck that) or egg laying giant rabbits, you give them a reason to buy greeting cards and they go ape shit.

The punchline of an elaborate present getting scheme backfires

I've tried to enjoy your Earth holidays, I truly have but honestly, a good majority of them are lame as shit. Where's your Kick the Village Idiot Day? Where's your Titty Love Day? I mean, these are Kryptonian staples... Fuck this Earth Day, Flag Day, Love Day bullshit... wake me up when they make Spring Break an official holiday. Until then, Supes out!

That's right biddies, this way to the bikini contest

Super Spotlight 4: The Fastest Idiot Alive

 Bitch please.

Its been a while since I've ripped one of my "friends" so here goes. This time I'll be telling you all about how much I hate the Flash(es). Now, for those of you not in the know, there are like fifteen of these little bastards running around (see what I did there?). I though Bruce was bad at keeping his cowl to himself, but it seems that the Flash has the same mantle passing problem. I'm not even sure I know who the guy is... I mean he does where a mask. Now some of ya'll are gonna be like "Herp derp, Flash dies and comes back from the dead so technically its just... herp derp derp". Well I died once and my "replacements" had the decency to at least not go rummaging through my closet. So right off the bat (Bat?) I don't like this Flash guy... too much for me to remember.

All of these winners call themselves the Flash... or something even dumber than that (Kid Flash?)

Furthermore, he's one of those Earthlings who got his powers by essentially being a moron. Hal Jordan crashes his plane and is awarded a mystical space-ring, the Wayne's raise a psycho-child and then go walk down a place called CRIME ALLEY at night, and the Flash inhales "hard water vapor" (or spills chemicals on himself, depending on which running man were talking about). So now I get at least ten calls a day about how some kid died inhaling hard water vapor. What the fuck is hard water anyway? I thought that shit just made your shower scummy, nothing about granting super speed...

Two failures, one name

 

So essentially this Flash guy can just run fast. Yep, that's it, just super speed. Notice that his ONE power is just a part of like my million powers. I mean, the shit even has the guts to call it SUPER speed. What a fucking rip. That be like me calling my house the Bat-house... but that would be both a lie and fucking lame. Flash does this thing all the time where he wants to race me. How old are we now Wally (Barry, Jay, Impulse, Kid Flash, etc etc) twelve? I mean, what grown man challenges someone to a race if they aren't like that fast Jamaican dude? How about I ask you to a punching contest eh Flashy? Oh... wait, that's right you're just a fragile little Earth dork.

 Eat my dust Scarlet Sucker!

I mean, the dude sucks as it is, yet somehow his bad guys make him suck even more. Beyond his Bizarro rip-offs (aka the moronically named Reverse Flash) his stable of villains (who are too clueless to call themselves anything but The Rogues) include: A talking gorilla, a guy with hover boots, a guy who spins really fast, a guy with boomerangs, and a dingus with a flute. And here I am thinking Toy Man is a fucking loser. My god, I might even go so far as to say this Flash moron has attracted bigger idiots than Bruce (yeah right).

Mr. Element? Are you fucking kidding me?

 

In other news, some of you actually listened to me and hooked me up with some sweet memes. Feast your brain mouths upon these humor ridden morsels. These winning nuggets of truth, justice, and the American way are from loyal reader Shawn DC.

 

Crazy Sheen and Internet Meme

So, working in an office really blows. I mean, half the time I'm not even working and I still hate the Daily Planet. Actually it's probably more like a fifth of the time I spend there that I'm actually working. A majority of my day I spend: staring at Lois' butt, kicking Jimmy's ass at everything, pretending to type stories when I'm really tweeting, and telling Perry I'm going out to "cover a story" at a local bar/strip joint. Anyway, work sucks, as I've most definitely mention before, so like all you humans I waste a massive amount of time on this thing called the internet.

Exhibit S: The Internet Meme

Recently, and by recently I mean the last ten years, Jimmy has been obsessed with these viral videos and memes. For those of you who don't know what I'm talking about... seriously you probably cant even read so I'm not even gonna tell you. Anyway, each week Jimmy comes in with a new group of stupid cat pictures or a video of a baby singing or some trash. Personally I like the videos where people get hit in the face, or fall down and get hit in the nuts. I also like porn, but that's neither here nor there.

Hahaha, nice use of Meatshield, Bruce

 

So sometimes these viral videos get so popular the idiots contained within their pixels get famous as fuck... like Booster Gold level fame (so not really that famous). Sometimes the people are already famous. I think there was a video of me cursing people out at a Planet Krypton restaurant (I own the franchise, you think I could get hammered there). So recently this tiger blooded toe-head Charlie Sheen has started spewing a lot of crazy talk and people are thinking he's the bees knees. FUCK. DAT. I'm going to warn you right now, I knew a guy once who drank tiger's blood AND made a drug named after himself, his name was LEX FUCKING LUTHOR! And now look at that bald mother fucker. Always trying to shoot the sun, or sell weapons to orphans... and other evil junk.

 Fucking asshole... that's FOUR WHOLE TENS of cake!

However, you still have time to avoid this. Don't patronize the fool known as Sheen. In fact, if you could convince him to move to Gotham, that'd probably be best. Batsy LOOOOOOOVES crazy people :) Actually instead of supporting Crazy Sheen, make your own meme! HEY-OOOOO and be sure to email them to thesupermanspeaks@gmail.com

Oscars? More like the OscSARS!

Oscars are coming up (up and away) on Sunday, and I am SUPER excited! Bruce and I are going to make a three layer bean dip, have some virgin martinis, and hug when Natalie wins for best actress. It's going to be grand.

Everlasting looooooove!

 

PSYCHE! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I? Seriously folks, I could give two shits about movies. First of all, any movie not about me sucks. Shoot, even the ones about me usually blow harder than my freeze breath. Not to mention the fact that Krypton had 4D movies, so suck on that Jimmy Cameron. Secondly, why the fuck would I go to the movies? Think about this, on an average day I'm going to be traveling through space (maybe even time) punching things that most humans will never know even exist. I mean, Jesus Christ, I've been to the end of existence! I'm not even kidding, Booster Gold and one of those green lantern idiots was there. I can't remember what we were doing at the end of time (I was pretty sideways on nyquil) but I'm 100% sure its more interesting than anything most of you will do in your life, ever.

I'd consider this a slow day

 

So, like I said, your Earth movies are fucking lame. However, since I'm a reporter and (kinda) have to maintain a secret identity, I have to at least pretend that The Academy Awards gives me a big journalistic boner. Since I haven't seen a movie since I accidentally watched Biodome after losing my TV remote, I had to find out a little about the more popular movies at this year's awards. Since I'm too lazy to read anything and/or use the internet, I figured I'd ask Jimmy about this year's least shitty movies. Then, based off the little info he gave me, I formed an educated opinion... that's REAL journalism for ya kids:

Inception

 This giant motherfucker just got INCEPTED!

Jimmy talked about this one for the better part of an hour. At no point did he form a coherent thought or anything that could possibly be described as a 'plot'. I want to say its about sleeping in the rain or something. Its got some girl in it who was pregnant and now isn't (Jimmy's words), along with some guy who was on a boat at some point. Sounded really gay.

127 Hours

 Bike riding: it's never cool

Some shit about bike riding. Nothing gayer than riding bikes. Only pussies and dudes from the turn of the century ride bikes. Pretty sure Batman has a bike. This movie better lose.

Black Swan

 I don't get it.

When I asked Jimmy about this one, his voiced cracked and his face turned really red. I think I broke him. Still have no idea why the fuck anyone would want to watch a movie about swans.

King's Speech

The only king's speech ya'll should care about

Jimmy said he didn't see this one because he can't understand British accents. Earthlings, let me just point this out now, Jimmy is just one of millions you allow to elect your leader. This shit WOULD NOT fly on Krypton.

Toy Story 3

 Honestly, this guy needs to quit or move to Gotham

This is another one Jimmy talked about for a good hour. I didn't listen to anything he was saying. After he mentioned Toys, all I could think about was that douche Toy Man who is always fucking with my shit. That dude is so pathetic, his whole shtick is toys... sounds like he should be over in Gotham.... I mean he realizes I can punch the moon in half right? A fucking toy soldier, no matter how big it is, will never destroy me. Anyway, I pick this one for the least shitty movie of the year... if for any reason, because Jimmy left after he told me about this one. WIN!

Super Spotlight #3: Jimmy Olsen

Yay! Time for another spotlight. This week I'm taking a break from telling ya'll about my super friends (ha) and moving on to someone who is a super idiot. The reason I'm here on the interwebz is because of this idiot, the one and only Jimmy Olsen.

Too much Dayquil Jim-Jim?

Now, I've known little Jim-Jim ever since I stepped foot into Metropolis. At first I was all like, "Cool, a friend who isn't someone who is 80+ years old. He can probably score me some drugs." WRONG. Jimmy was neither cool, nor could he score me anything other than glue... fucking child. Yeah, this manchild hasn't left me alone since I first started working here. This is partially my fault, having given the little wiener a signal watch, so he can call me... whenever... from wherever on the entire fucking planet! I had to implement the increasing scale of humiliation for everytime he calls me for a non-emergency (aka all the time). Basically he rings the bell, I show up, see that Brainiac isn't fucking shit up, then I humiliate Jimmy.

 Most of the time he humiliates himself... also, who the fuck is Gnor?

Some people even go so far as to say he's my sidekick. WHAT?! Listen, first off, I don't have a sidekick. That's some gay Batman shit. Secondly, if I did, it sure as shit wouldn't be a nervous little ginger with a camera and a tendency to fuck things up. My sidekick would most likely be a smaller version of myself... like a midget me... HAHAHA. How sweet would that be? Answer: fucking sweet. Regardless, Jimmy is more just my 'kick', no side involved.

Alas, the final portion of my intern interview process

Lately I've been ruminating over the fact that he hasn't aged in about 40 years. Despite living in a world where seemingly no one ages, everyone at least gets mentally older. Maybe he's like Benjamin Button (netflix baby!) but, like, only for his brain. So as he gets older, his brain gets dumber. He must've been a fucking smart baby.

Hah! I was right! Bonus points for me humiliating his ass.

This all being said, I hate Jimmy far less than most of my metahuman counterparts. First off, the kid is really slow, like so slow that chicks think he's "special". Therefore, he's the ultimate wingman. He's never going to steal chicks from me, yet he can always bring them my way. Nothing gets ladies more wet (wetter?) than showing them how much ya care about the tards. "Hey Jimmy, want to go to the park and get some ice cream? Wanna pay for mine? Oh hey ladies, I'm just showing my "special" friend here how to buy ice cream. Ya love ice cream dontcha Jim-Jim." I then commence in the laying of all chicks within ear shot. Super speed leaves 'em super satisfied (but that is neither here nor there). Jimmy also has a nack for getting into (or letting me place him) in hilarious situations. Remember the time I dressed up as a witchdoctor and had him marry a chimp? Well that's just the tip of the penis ladies and gents, because it seems like every week this moron drinks a potion or touches a statue that turns him into an immobile talking Earth-turd or like a giant turtle or some shit (which has happened more than once... sigh).

I really said "Sorry Moneyfags..." Damn Earth censors...

Betcha wish you spent that money on a sweet apartment, eh Jim-Jim?

So here's to you Jimmy. Stop pressing that fucking watch button, I took the batteries out three years ago. Plus, I can hear what you say anyway, from anywhere... so for the love of Jor STOP THINKING OUT LOUD!

Well... that explains pretty much everything...

Reader Mail: I'm A Super-Pimp

Now, as I've mentioned, I don't read any of my fan mail. That would just be rediculous. Do you think Santa actually reads all those letters the pathetic Earth children send him? You think that fat idiot speaks every language on the planet. The answer is no (I've met the man, and he's an idiot). Anyway, back to my fan mail. I use a screening process called 'the intern filter'. Basically how it works is that every piece of mail is screened by my intern, Aquaman. If he sees something juicy, he send it along to me. Basically he filters out everything but pyramid schemes and Ghana prince inheritance shit. So essentially he's doing his job perfectly.

Loudest shout? WTF? That's the reason I screen this shit.

Until a few days ago, when he passed me along an actual winner of a fan mail. One way to get on my good side is obviously by talking trash about Bruce 'fat head' Wayne. This faithful reader wasted no time in blasting the caped crumbster:

"Who does that guy think he is anyway with all the bat-gadgets? He sounds like a talking McDonalds menu with a bat theme. Instead of saying things like McRib and McNugget, he's all "Robin, I just got off the Bat-Phone, the Bat-signal has been activated! Grab my Batarangs and get to the Bat-Cave, where we'll hop in the Bat-Plane, to take us to the Bat-fight." Talk about overcompensating. The Batfreak sounds like a friggan smurf with his bat-isms."

 Yeah, that's Super cool Bruce...

Indeed! Good show! This got me into the letter, which then lead me to the reader's question (with more Bat-zingers! see what I did there?), and it's quite good:

"Batman's got a reputation as a playa', (and we all know those who talk about getting play really don't got much going). Still Batman recently found out he has a bat-son (only because his baby mama used roofies on him to do the deed).  Do you worry about any super-bastards popping up and claiming you owe child support?"

First, let me point out that Brucey had to be knocked out to bang a broad. Wow. That's really not helping your image as a non-wiener sniffer.

 I then proceeded to blow a load THROUGH her. How's that for passion?

On to your question though. The simple answer is No, for several reasons. One, I don't worry about shit. Ever. Son, been to the end of time,  alternate dimensions, and DIED nothing on this planet worries me. Secondly, if you haven't noticed I'm fast as shit. Sometimes when I REAALLLLY screw the pooch, I just run around the Earth really fast. It's called time travel, and it's best contraceptive ever.  Also, X-Ray vision. Let's just say that isn't approved by the FDA, or any Earth medicine men.

Pimpin' really is quite easy.

On a semi-related note, I did once have a son who then turned out to be a clone. Super-boy. More like super-puss if you ask me. Someone thought It'd be a fucking laugh if they took half me and half Luthor and mixed it up. Wow. Gay. Thanks for readin Anonym0use, and if ya see Bruce, kick him in the junk for me!

See? NO ONE likes Superboy.

Workin' Not Hard At All for the Money

A lot of cry babies out there these days complaining about how they can't get a job or about how much their job sucks. WOW what a bunch of pansies you are. I have two jobs... well three jobs: Reporter (ha), Earth's sexiest ass kicker (not Batman), and bikini inspector. I invented that last one because I also invented the bikini (that's true shit, google it). On top of the I'm always saving cats from trees or tricking Jimmy into marrying chimps , so I really have like ten jobs.

You thought I was kidding? I've done this like four times. HILARIOUS!

 

So with my twenty-five jobs I still have time to complain on this stupid shit called the internet. I did this without a degree, really any form of education, shit I'm not even a citizen. Haha, I'm stealing your jobs and I don't even pay taxes. Basically when I showed up to the Daily Planet my resume had a hand scribbled name and my skills inculded "punching the Earth in half" and"bikini inspector". To my luck old man Perry White thought my muscles made his editorial department look badass, and he had never heard of a bikini (it was the 30s... so no biggie....although he might be gay, verdict still out on that guy).

Telepathy? Its called caller ID suckers

 

Anyway, if you want a job, you can have one of mine, but only the reporter one.... and maybe the saving the Earth one... actually you can only have the reporter one because that job is fucking garbage. First off I just write down things that I see during my day. Sometimes it's literally just a scribble with words like 'gay' or 'steal whatever Jimmy is working on'. I honestly have no idea what a reporter even is or does. As far as I can tell they literally just tell people things they don't want to hear.

 Whoops, there goes my Pulitzer

Furthermore, I work with a bunch of annoying gnats. I literally can't stand these idiots. On one side I've got Jimmy Olsen spewing garbage about Pokemons and twitters into my face. Jimmy, you're nearly 40 now GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. I swear, if you "accidentally" use your signal watch while *barf* pleasuring yourself, I'm taking that thing away. I still have no idea why I gave that idiot a watch that only I can hear from anywhere on the planet... oh yeah, it's because he gets himself into hilariously stupid situations. Meanwhile, I've got Lois 'frusty cunt' Lane sticking her nose up my ass. Seriously bitch, I know you need to get laid and I would be more than willing to take one for the team, but I'd literally break you into a million pieces. I'm sorry no one likes you, maybe dye your hair blonde, get a boob job or some shit. Then at least people won't mind looking at you... nothing you ca do about that voice though...

Wow, on the first guess too... fucking psycho

In a closing note: Yes I might be an illegal immigrant without a degree or any formal education working several jobs, but take a look at Bruce Wayne. He doesn't do shit, and he's a billionaire. Guess what folks, that fuck doesn't pay taxes either. According to him he 'gives it all back in the streets'. You know that he wrote off the batmobile as his work vehicle? There's some fucking reporting for ya! BOO-YAH!