Oscars? More like the OscSARS!

Oscars are coming up (up and away) on Sunday, and I am SUPER excited! Bruce and I are going to make a three layer bean dip, have some virgin martinis, and hug when Natalie wins for best actress. It's going to be grand.

Everlasting looooooove!

 

PSYCHE! Had you going there for a minute, didn't I? Seriously folks, I could give two shits about movies. First of all, any movie not about me sucks. Shoot, even the ones about me usually blow harder than my freeze breath. Not to mention the fact that Krypton had 4D movies, so suck on that Jimmy Cameron. Secondly, why the fuck would I go to the movies? Think about this, on an average day I'm going to be traveling through space (maybe even time) punching things that most humans will never know even exist. I mean, Jesus Christ, I've been to the end of existence! I'm not even kidding, Booster Gold and one of those green lantern idiots was there. I can't remember what we were doing at the end of time (I was pretty sideways on nyquil) but I'm 100% sure its more interesting than anything most of you will do in your life, ever.

I'd consider this a slow day

 

So, like I said, your Earth movies are fucking lame. However, since I'm a reporter and (kinda) have to maintain a secret identity, I have to at least pretend that The Academy Awards gives me a big journalistic boner. Since I haven't seen a movie since I accidentally watched Biodome after losing my TV remote, I had to find out a little about the more popular movies at this year's awards. Since I'm too lazy to read anything and/or use the internet, I figured I'd ask Jimmy about this year's least shitty movies. Then, based off the little info he gave me, I formed an educated opinion... that's REAL journalism for ya kids:

Inception

 This giant motherfucker just got INCEPTED!

Jimmy talked about this one for the better part of an hour. At no point did he form a coherent thought or anything that could possibly be described as a 'plot'. I want to say its about sleeping in the rain or something. Its got some girl in it who was pregnant and now isn't (Jimmy's words), along with some guy who was on a boat at some point. Sounded really gay.

127 Hours

 Bike riding: it's never cool

Some shit about bike riding. Nothing gayer than riding bikes. Only pussies and dudes from the turn of the century ride bikes. Pretty sure Batman has a bike. This movie better lose.

Black Swan

 I don't get it.

When I asked Jimmy about this one, his voiced cracked and his face turned really red. I think I broke him. Still have no idea why the fuck anyone would want to watch a movie about swans.

King's Speech

The only king's speech ya'll should care about

Jimmy said he didn't see this one because he can't understand British accents. Earthlings, let me just point this out now, Jimmy is just one of millions you allow to elect your leader. This shit WOULD NOT fly on Krypton.

Toy Story 3

 Honestly, this guy needs to quit or move to Gotham

This is another one Jimmy talked about for a good hour. I didn't listen to anything he was saying. After he mentioned Toys, all I could think about was that douche Toy Man who is always fucking with my shit. That dude is so pathetic, his whole shtick is toys... sounds like he should be over in Gotham.... I mean he realizes I can punch the moon in half right? A fucking toy soldier, no matter how big it is, will never destroy me. Anyway, I pick this one for the least shitty movie of the year... if for any reason, because Jimmy left after he told me about this one. WIN!

Super Spotlight #3: Jimmy Olsen

Yay! Time for another spotlight. This week I'm taking a break from telling ya'll about my super friends (ha) and moving on to someone who is a super idiot. The reason I'm here on the interwebz is because of this idiot, the one and only Jimmy Olsen.

Too much Dayquil Jim-Jim?

Now, I've known little Jim-Jim ever since I stepped foot into Metropolis. At first I was all like, "Cool, a friend who isn't someone who is 80+ years old. He can probably score me some drugs." WRONG. Jimmy was neither cool, nor could he score me anything other than glue... fucking child. Yeah, this manchild hasn't left me alone since I first started working here. This is partially my fault, having given the little wiener a signal watch, so he can call me... whenever... from wherever on the entire fucking planet! I had to implement the increasing scale of humiliation for everytime he calls me for a non-emergency (aka all the time). Basically he rings the bell, I show up, see that Brainiac isn't fucking shit up, then I humiliate Jimmy.

 Most of the time he humiliates himself... also, who the fuck is Gnor?

Some people even go so far as to say he's my sidekick. WHAT?! Listen, first off, I don't have a sidekick. That's some gay Batman shit. Secondly, if I did, it sure as shit wouldn't be a nervous little ginger with a camera and a tendency to fuck things up. My sidekick would most likely be a smaller version of myself... like a midget me... HAHAHA. How sweet would that be? Answer: fucking sweet. Regardless, Jimmy is more just my 'kick', no side involved.

Alas, the final portion of my intern interview process

Lately I've been ruminating over the fact that he hasn't aged in about 40 years. Despite living in a world where seemingly no one ages, everyone at least gets mentally older. Maybe he's like Benjamin Button (netflix baby!) but, like, only for his brain. So as he gets older, his brain gets dumber. He must've been a fucking smart baby.

Hah! I was right! Bonus points for me humiliating his ass.

This all being said, I hate Jimmy far less than most of my metahuman counterparts. First off, the kid is really slow, like so slow that chicks think he's "special". Therefore, he's the ultimate wingman. He's never going to steal chicks from me, yet he can always bring them my way. Nothing gets ladies more wet (wetter?) than showing them how much ya care about the tards. "Hey Jimmy, want to go to the park and get some ice cream? Wanna pay for mine? Oh hey ladies, I'm just showing my "special" friend here how to buy ice cream. Ya love ice cream dontcha Jim-Jim." I then commence in the laying of all chicks within ear shot. Super speed leaves 'em super satisfied (but that is neither here nor there). Jimmy also has a nack for getting into (or letting me place him) in hilarious situations. Remember the time I dressed up as a witchdoctor and had him marry a chimp? Well that's just the tip of the penis ladies and gents, because it seems like every week this moron drinks a potion or touches a statue that turns him into an immobile talking Earth-turd or like a giant turtle or some shit (which has happened more than once... sigh).

I really said "Sorry Moneyfags..." Damn Earth censors...

Betcha wish you spent that money on a sweet apartment, eh Jim-Jim?

So here's to you Jimmy. Stop pressing that fucking watch button, I took the batteries out three years ago. Plus, I can hear what you say anyway, from anywhere... so for the love of Jor STOP THINKING OUT LOUD!

Well... that explains pretty much everything...

Reader Mail: I'm A Super-Pimp

Now, as I've mentioned, I don't read any of my fan mail. That would just be rediculous. Do you think Santa actually reads all those letters the pathetic Earth children send him? You think that fat idiot speaks every language on the planet. The answer is no (I've met the man, and he's an idiot). Anyway, back to my fan mail. I use a screening process called 'the intern filter'. Basically how it works is that every piece of mail is screened by my intern, Aquaman. If he sees something juicy, he send it along to me. Basically he filters out everything but pyramid schemes and Ghana prince inheritance shit. So essentially he's doing his job perfectly.

Loudest shout? WTF? That's the reason I screen this shit.

Until a few days ago, when he passed me along an actual winner of a fan mail. One way to get on my good side is obviously by talking trash about Bruce 'fat head' Wayne. This faithful reader wasted no time in blasting the caped crumbster:

"Who does that guy think he is anyway with all the bat-gadgets? He sounds like a talking McDonalds menu with a bat theme. Instead of saying things like McRib and McNugget, he's all "Robin, I just got off the Bat-Phone, the Bat-signal has been activated! Grab my Batarangs and get to the Bat-Cave, where we'll hop in the Bat-Plane, to take us to the Bat-fight." Talk about overcompensating. The Batfreak sounds like a friggan smurf with his bat-isms."

 Yeah, that's Super cool Bruce...

Indeed! Good show! This got me into the letter, which then lead me to the reader's question (with more Bat-zingers! see what I did there?), and it's quite good:

"Batman's got a reputation as a playa', (and we all know those who talk about getting play really don't got much going). Still Batman recently found out he has a bat-son (only because his baby mama used roofies on him to do the deed).  Do you worry about any super-bastards popping up and claiming you owe child support?"

First, let me point out that Brucey had to be knocked out to bang a broad. Wow. That's really not helping your image as a non-wiener sniffer.

 I then proceeded to blow a load THROUGH her. How's that for passion?

On to your question though. The simple answer is No, for several reasons. One, I don't worry about shit. Ever. Son, been to the end of time,  alternate dimensions, and DIED nothing on this planet worries me. Secondly, if you haven't noticed I'm fast as shit. Sometimes when I REAALLLLY screw the pooch, I just run around the Earth really fast. It's called time travel, and it's best contraceptive ever.  Also, X-Ray vision. Let's just say that isn't approved by the FDA, or any Earth medicine men.

Pimpin' really is quite easy.

On a semi-related note, I did once have a son who then turned out to be a clone. Super-boy. More like super-puss if you ask me. Someone thought It'd be a fucking laugh if they took half me and half Luthor and mixed it up. Wow. Gay. Thanks for readin Anonym0use, and if ya see Bruce, kick him in the junk for me!

See? NO ONE likes Superboy.

Workin' Not Hard At All for the Money

A lot of cry babies out there these days complaining about how they can't get a job or about how much their job sucks. WOW what a bunch of pansies you are. I have two jobs... well three jobs: Reporter (ha), Earth's sexiest ass kicker (not Batman), and bikini inspector. I invented that last one because I also invented the bikini (that's true shit, google it). On top of the I'm always saving cats from trees or tricking Jimmy into marrying chimps , so I really have like ten jobs.

You thought I was kidding? I've done this like four times. HILARIOUS!

 

So with my twenty-five jobs I still have time to complain on this stupid shit called the internet. I did this without a degree, really any form of education, shit I'm not even a citizen. Haha, I'm stealing your jobs and I don't even pay taxes. Basically when I showed up to the Daily Planet my resume had a hand scribbled name and my skills inculded "punching the Earth in half" and"bikini inspector". To my luck old man Perry White thought my muscles made his editorial department look badass, and he had never heard of a bikini (it was the 30s... so no biggie....although he might be gay, verdict still out on that guy).

Telepathy? Its called caller ID suckers

 

Anyway, if you want a job, you can have one of mine, but only the reporter one.... and maybe the saving the Earth one... actually you can only have the reporter one because that job is fucking garbage. First off I just write down things that I see during my day. Sometimes it's literally just a scribble with words like 'gay' or 'steal whatever Jimmy is working on'. I honestly have no idea what a reporter even is or does. As far as I can tell they literally just tell people things they don't want to hear.

 Whoops, there goes my Pulitzer

Furthermore, I work with a bunch of annoying gnats. I literally can't stand these idiots. On one side I've got Jimmy Olsen spewing garbage about Pokemons and twitters into my face. Jimmy, you're nearly 40 now GROW. THE. FUCK. UP. I swear, if you "accidentally" use your signal watch while *barf* pleasuring yourself, I'm taking that thing away. I still have no idea why I gave that idiot a watch that only I can hear from anywhere on the planet... oh yeah, it's because he gets himself into hilariously stupid situations. Meanwhile, I've got Lois 'frusty cunt' Lane sticking her nose up my ass. Seriously bitch, I know you need to get laid and I would be more than willing to take one for the team, but I'd literally break you into a million pieces. I'm sorry no one likes you, maybe dye your hair blonde, get a boob job or some shit. Then at least people won't mind looking at you... nothing you ca do about that voice though...

Wow, on the first guess too... fucking psycho

In a closing note: Yes I might be an illegal immigrant without a degree or any formal education working several jobs, but take a look at Bruce Wayne. He doesn't do shit, and he's a billionaire. Guess what folks, that fuck doesn't pay taxes either. According to him he 'gives it all back in the streets'. You know that he wrote off the batmobile as his work vehicle? There's some fucking reporting for ya! BOO-YAH!

Super-Spotlight #2: Tits are the Tits

So there is this rumor floating around the galaxies that Earth chicks are easy. I think there was a radio show about it or some shit, I dunno, I don't follow Earth media. It's all mostly shit, I mean they let me be a reporter for the largest newspaper in the world with no education, proof of citizenship, or really for any reason other than I 'got the good shit on Superman'. Fucking idiots. Anyway, back to the matter at hand, Earth chicks being sluts.

 Lies!

This is a complete and utter fallacy. Earth women, like all other child bearing being across the galaxy, are fundamentally flawed. Having been from one side of this galaxy to the other, I've seen a lot of crazy pussy, but I've never seen such a widespread hate for the 'ol Super meat than on Earth. After having several drunken conversations with J'onn about this fact, we both came up with the problem behind this. It's all the fault of one Wonder Woman aka Diana Prince aka the only vagina on Earth capable of handling a Super-load.

Amoeba, Merman (who?), or Mall Security? How's about a Kryptonian?

That's right, the onyl chick on Earth I can penetrate without blowing her in half. Sorry for being graphic (not really), but I went through like five girlfriends in High School before I figured out that wasn't a normal Earth thing (Thanks Pa Kent for letting me know about that). That's the past thought, and me being pissed off by Wonder Woman is the present.

Haha Bruce, go an hug Robin why don't ya, you pedo-freak

A little history lesson here folks. When I first met Diana I was all like, fuck yes a hot chick who has super powers and junk who ISN'T my cousin (more on Power Girl later... ugh). Little did I know she was an Amazon. If you don't know what an Amazon is, let me give you a little definition.

superfapfapfapfapfapfapfap

Amazon (n): (1) A chick who lives with only chicks. Has no idea what a penis is, and when they find out, they totally fucking hate it. Bitches who seriously never have sex on the mind despite carrying whips, lassos, and other such awesome bondage materials. Essentially, these Earth chicks are NOT easy.

 

There it is folks, even more absurd than the fucking amoeba suitor

I mean, that definition is fucking right out of Webster's, so its the real deal. Google that shit if you don't believe me. I am a journalist after all, so I'm like 100% truthful, all the time (LOL!). Basically Wonder Woman is a huge tease, who likes tying guys up with her 'lasso of truth' because she's uncomfortable with her apparent asexuality.

 Haha, Bruce is such an emo idiot. Even Red Tornado is getting hammered... and he's a fucking robot. Also, no chance in hell you'll score with Diana (because she isn't a little boy SNAP!)

Hey, don't hate, I've yet to see her hook up with anybody... that being said, Batman still has less of a chance of hooking up with her than me. She once told me that "His creepy rapist voice makes her vagina tight". Haha Bruce, your voice makes va-jay-jays sad. HAHAA!

Earth; its the Tits

Huzzah! Another guest email! Aquaman is really earning those 'gold coins' I've been giving him for sifting through all of my fan mail. That idiot likes to feel important, I guess that's what happens when you're the king of a kingdom that no one gives a fuck about. Haha. Anyway, onto the fan mail!:

Dear Superman,

So, like, being an alien must be really suck.

-A FAN

Really suck? What the fuck does that even mean? I'm not even from this planet, yet I have managed to learn pretty much all of its languages in only like, 30 years. No wonder you didn't even leave your name, you're an embarrassment to the entire race of 'non aliens' aka Earthlings. But, I digress, not all of you can be even remotely as Super as me, HA!

Bruce, showing how much of a pussy he is. Imma kick the shit out of this Earth rat.

To answer your question, no, it is not 'really suck'. Its actually really sweet. Imagine if you didn't have to do shit to be great. Like, literally I woke up and could throw cars around and blast people with punches like atom bombs. All because of Earth's sun being a million times better than whatever Krypton must've had. Such luck eh? Oh yeah, I also look exactly like human beings... well let's just say not entirely (I'm ALL super if you know what I mean).  I'm like the intergalactic king of Earth, who also just happens to look like Earthlings, pretty sweet deal (and I'm just saying that, I'm definetly not planning to take over once Batman dies *wink*).

 Couldn't do that shit on Krypton. Hand midgets are an 'Earth Only' power

Why do you think I'm still here? You think I like having to, occasionally, deal with Earth getting destroyed. Honestly, I really don't care. However, I DO enjoy several things that are Earth specific. My 'parts' match up with Earth chicks, booze is pretty legit, and, oh yeah the aforementioned part about the sun giving me diesel ass kicking powers. You heard it from me: Being an alien, is not suck.

Super-Spotlight #1 - My Favorite Martian

So being super in all ways, one day I figured I wanted to be super lazy. Ya'know, kick back, drink a few brewskis and watch some Real Housewives of Gotham (aka chicks that Bruce wishes he could bang). So being a super genius, I put together the Justice League. Don't let the history books fool you, this was 100% my idea, and my project. If someone tells you otherwise, maybe they were mistaken because I was wearing glasses or some garbage. Anyway, this ended up being an, obviously, super idea, considering pretty much right as I was setting this shit up, a giant mind sucking starfish shows up on Earth. Since I really didn't want to deal with that shit... seriously, who would? I sent my posse aka the newly formed Jutice Shmucks after them.

 Haha, suckers. Also, WTF are you doing Aquaman?

As time wore on this little 'get out of saving the world' card began to fall apart, and yours truly had to start saving the planet... again. However, the JL continues to limp on, with or without me. Now, being Superman and having put together this team, and being able to see through shit, has allowed me to write extensive bios and files on all of my 'friends'. I'm gonna share with you some of these files, because honestly, I don't give a crap if ya'll know their secret identities... they should've never told me in the first place, I am a super gossip after all.

SUPER SPOLIGHT #1 - Martian Manhunter

Even Martians do LSD

Good 'ol Johnny boy. Now right off the bat I liked this guy. Like me, he came to Earth for the chicks after his entire species was wiped out (don't let him tell you otherwise, it was no 'accident'). Like most aliens, he had dope ass powers. He is pretty much me (slightly less super) but has some neat-o mind shit and some changey abilities. Knowing full well how much Earth chicks hate ugly ass aliens, he maximized his Earth pussy intake by taking on the secret identity of private eye John Jones. So instantly I knew that this cat was rare, and being new to Earth he was also a fucking sucker. So naturally I wanted this smooth, non-earth spawn to represent my super self. With him on the team, Batman would feel like he 'needed to keep an eye on other aliens' so he would join. Then I threatened to embarass Flash and Green Lantern by tagging all those really gay pics I took. Round it off with some Wonder Woman (let's just say she owes me), and voila! A fucking super team worthy of giving me the day off.

 J'onn and I, puttin that bitch in her place.

Back to my man J'onn. He's chill for many reasons that Batman isn't chill. He like chocos, crushes on mad hoes, and loves to talk trash. Him and I used to go around pulling mad pranks with his changey powers too haha. Fucking Earthlings are really dumb. That's why J'onn is the tits. He also thinks Earthlings are slow and squishy, and he knows that we're both going to outlive them all. So might as well use their planet for super battles and alien sex parties until they're all dead right?! So next time you're all like "OH NOOOOOO111!!!! mONGUL is come to eat us!11!!1 SUPARMEN COME SAVE NAOW?@1!", and I don't show up? You know I'm with big green, smoking on that purple stuff (alien drugs ya'll not your pussy Earth weeds).

Out of all the Justice League, I hate you the least