Nu-Year Nu-Me (Naaah)

Wha-huh? Where am I? Who are you people?

LOL, JK. I was just trying to punk ya'll. I know exactly what this is... it's my stupid blog that I forgot about. Let's see what's happend since we last left off:

1 - They released that dumbass Man of Steel movie despite my multiple strongly worded letters. It sucked. Evreyone thought it sucked... AND I didn't see a zod-damn dime! I did like the part when I broke that jabroni Zod's neck though. Haha, all the nerds were like "ooohhh nooo Superman wouldn't do that!" Newsflash: I can, and I will... especially if that jabroni Snyder makes me lose to Bruce in his new turd that's coming out.

(lol, say uncle, nerd)

2 - Donald Trump is a legit presidential candidate... Really people? REALLY?! For farts sake, this guy is a crappy version of Luthor. He's got bad hair, has a bunch of money, hates immigrants... I'm almost 100% Bruce is trolling me with this loser. Make America great again? Bunch of BS. I'd like to see Trump take down Titano while simultaneously pretending to be a doofus who works at a newspaper. He can't, because he's an idiot along with the rest of the jamokes running for president who specifically are not me. Write in Superman 2016!

(see? SEEEEEE?!)

That's pretty much it, right? Nothing else has happened in the last few years or so right? Surely nothing as important as what I was doing (which was totally not getting locked in box by a bunch of Don Draper rip-offs).

(Last time I ever try to out drink an ad man)

Whatever, I'm back... at least until I forget to force Jimmy to pay my cable bill again.

I'm Back! In Pog Form!

Out of the ashes of awesomeness comes your favorite (and really only choice) hero: ME! Yeah I know, I haven't slapped the keyboard in a while, but guess what? Your planet is still here,  you're still breathing air, and using the internet. Let's just say I've been busy keeping that shit the way it is. Anyhoo, in between slapping Brainiac into orbit and watching Game of Thrones, it was brought to my attention that there is a movie coming out about me... AND I'M ENRAGED.

(Jimmy's dumbass movie looks better)

Normally I wouldn't mind having the world pay to watch me save the world over and over again (note, figure out how to do this). However, this motion picture dealio is totally bogus. I'm not sure who these Warner Brothers are but they didn't ever ask me to make a movie about my exploits. After watching their dumptastic Green Lantern movie (I mean, it was worse than the real life Green Lantern), I can only imagine their going to make me look like some overly sensitive dufus who doesn't just punch his problems away. I mean how are they going to make a realistic flick if they didn't even ask what my favorite kind of scotch is (answer: all) or how many broads I bang out on the reg (answer: infinite). Bottom line, if you want the real Superman story, read this very blog your mortal eyes are now looking at. If you want to see some pussy flying around, crying, and getting his ass kicked by an inferior douchebag (Zod? Seriously who the fuck is named Zod anyway?), then by all means go see this "Man of Steel" BS. You can find me at the bar... OR SAVING YOUR STINKHOLE PLANET!

(Always prepared, and by prepared I mean hammered)

Wait a minute... Bruce put them up to this didn't he? That fucking idiot, I'm gonna go pee on Wayne Manor.

You Aren't Batman

So this morning when I was at the office "doing work" (i.e. Staring out the window or at Lois' rack), Jimmy brought a news article to my attention. At first I thought this had something to do with actual work, seeing as I'm a reporter or something, so I instantly asked Jimmy to shove off and go get bent, and other such terms of endearment. Then, like twenty minutes later, I was bored and my eyes happened to fall on this aforementioned article, which you can find here (Idiot does Stupid Things). Immediately  I was engrossed by how stupid this idiot looked:

At first I figured it was some jackass that Bruce found and slapped a mask on in an attempt to make him his new ward or whatever the fuck he calls it. Then I realized he was too old for Bruce (snap!). Using my incredible detective skills lead me to believe that this man was indeed an actual real life idiot. Now kids, being a super hero is fun, easy, and gets you laid like the quarterback on prom night after he saves the planet from Mongul. However, if you don't have the ability to like shoot lasers from your eyes while getting shot with a cannon and throwing a mountain at someone, then I wouldn't recommend it. Not because it's unsafe, not because you'd make my 'job' a million times easier, but because you'd steal a large percentage of my heroing pussy.

Seriously though, don't fight crime. I don't want to get stuck with Aquaman's sloppy seconds... again...

Super Spotlight 6: A Fish Called Arthur

(I'm Aquaman now BITCH! Also, I invented Thirsty Thursday)

So it's been a while since I've done one of my world famous 'Spotlights'... it's also been a while since I've been on planet Earth and/or in a dimension that has the 'internet' so fuck all ya'll. Also, I got Direct TV up in the 'ol Fortress of Solitude so I've been watching every TV show ever... let me say, I love me some COPS. Anyway, like I just typed like two lines ago, I'm going to put down some words about our least favorite king of the seas. First off... KING OF THE SEAS? Yeah right buddy. I could say I was King of the Moon and people would care more. Seriously, humans stopped caring about the ocean when they invented the plane, because honestly anyone can swim, NO ONE can fly.

(It's called desalinization... idiot)

So I'm sure all of you are like "who the fuck is Aquaman"? Understandable, since he's like the wimpiest wimp on the surface world. For some reason we let him on to the Justice League. I think it was back in the day when there was like five super heroes, and we needed a sixth for more balanced board game nights (remember it was the 50s, there was no gangster rap, Jersey Shore, or internet yet, so like no crime). Anyway, only after we let him on the team did we determine his only power is being super useless. Seriously, the crumb bum talks to fish, is like a good swimmer, and can breath underwater. LAME.

(Yeah, I was hammered. Don't know what his excuse was)

I met King dingus many years ago during a fishing trip. That's right true believers, Big Blue here likes works the rod like a pro... wait... fuck. Anyway, I like to fish. Ya'know just kind of coast above the water, shoot heat rays at will, and see what floats to the surface. It's like way easier than using a fishing pole or some shit.

(Christmas is right around the corner folks!)

Anyhoo... Fishy Boy caught wind of like half the ocean getting blown apart by eye lasers and he wasn't all that pleased. Since he's an idiot, he comes at me full force, riding on top of his stupid giant seahorse clad in orange chainmail and green spandex looking like some sort of pride parade float. Since his tactic of making me laugh to death and/or feel bad for him backfired, I beat his ass into oblivion.

(Intimidation at its finest folks...)

After begging me for mercy, he offered to make me King of Atlantis (true story). I said, and I quote "Naw dog, shit's for pussies. How about you come work for me". He was so enamored with my muscles and ability to do cool things (like read!) he agreed. Now, whenever someone sends me an email, Aquaman reads it. He also gets me my coffee, walks Krypto, and shits in brown paper bags and leaves them on the steps of Wayne Manor. All of this because one day I ruined his friends and kicked his ass. All ya'll say bullying is bad too... pfffttttt

Haters Gonna Hate

First off. Stop calling/emailing/texting/yelling really loud to me about stopping natural disasters. Ain't shit I can do about hurricanes, Earthquakes, or temperatures being above 100 degrees. First off, if I can't punch it into bits, or fly it's ass into the vacuum of space, I'm not going to put in the effort to stop it. Secondly, stop being such pussies... seriously. Oh no it's raining and windy at the same time... You know how I spent my weekend while all ya'll were too busy hiding from rain? THIS:

That's right, I was fighting a giant... fist... thing? Ya'see I don't mind battling Brainiac in like some freaky-deeky video game world, or embarrassing Luthor day after day by pantsing him while his in a business meeting. However, I'm not like, the Red Cross or some crap. Cat in a tree? Call fucking Batman... or like, the police or something, I don't know. Hurricane got ya down? Not my problem, blame the shifting climate patterns of your shit planet... or learn how to fly and stop burning fossil fuels like a bunch of cavemen. I've honestly got a lot on my plate. I mean, when's the last time someone's spent their millions and billions of dollars on trying to kill you JUST BECAUSE YOU MAY OR MAY NOT HAVE MADE HIM BALD? Seriously, it really gets old.

So next time ya'll are about to flash the gang sign of justice (aka the Superman Signal) think about it. Is it something serious? Something that's going to make me look like a smooth, jacked up pimp? Or is it going to be front page news on Yahoo.crap? I'm here to punch world ending asteroids into world ending robots. I'm not here to teach people how not to get wet (unless it's the ladies WINK!)

I Saw a Movie

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Super Down Time

Sup Earth maggots? I bet you're all like "uuhhhh Super-Man, where you been at? I likez your blogz?" Well, idiots, I've saved the planet thrice, and the time stream frice. So, while all ya'll been strachtin' your butts and altering photos of birds so that they have arms (seriously: http://www.iywib.com/birds_with_arms.php), I've been doing shit. I've been so fucking busy that I forgot about the internet completely... actually that might be the Starro attached to me brain, I seem to be forgetting a lot of things recently...

Starro: Everyone is Doing it

Anyway, here's things that may or may not have happened since I went away:

- I left 142 flaming shits on the steps of Wayne Manor. ;)

- I killed a guy... with my BARE FISTS.

- I punched something (give or take 1 million things)

- I was a wrestler. LOL! SO GAY!

- I reversed the spin of the Earth by flying around it super fast to reverse time and prevent myself from eating at Applebees

- I farted.

- I died and then found myself dead. Yeah, it was... alright.

- I saw Larry Crowne (TIME TRAVEL BITCHES!)

- And lastly... I stopped this penny rainbow thief... thing (wtf?)

So as you can see, I was fucking busy. BACK OFF!

Rapture? Yeah Right...

Today Perry gave me an assignment to cover this rapture thing that's supposed to happen on Saturday. At first I was all like, "Fuck no P-Dog, I don't work on Saturday". Then he was all mad and crap (old man rage I like to call it), so I was all like "Fine, but I totally don't even know what a rapture is. Isn't that like a fucking bird or some shit?". Then, out of nowhere, Jimmy 'ginger prime' Olsen pops up and starts ranting about this end of the world, God coming down and saving a couple jerks, and leaving the rest of the flightless fucks here to die. What?! Now I've seen a lot of crazy shit in my day. A short list would include such things as: having a backwards retarded version of myself, being to the end of existence with Booster Gold, and fighting a fucking rainbow.

Just an average day, punchin' rainbows

So I've seen some crazy shit in my day, but even I find it hard to believe that this rapture thing is going to happen. First of all, where's the motivation? If there is anything I know about super villains (and the "God" fellow is screaming villain right now), it's that they need some sort of motivation. This motivation doesn't need to make any sense, but it either A) will profit them somehow or B) has something to do with their costume. Now I have no idea what this God fellow looks like, but judging by his name, Im going to toss out option B...

Stealing S shirts? Hey, at least he's got purpose...

This would leave option A, profit. What the fuck does God have to gain by killing off all of "his people" (pompous jerk) and/or bringing all the rest of them back to his place where he is presumably going to give all these freeloaders room and board. Fuck that. Sounds like bullshit to me. Regardless of what happens this weekend I'm not going to care, and I'm sure as Hell not going to cover the story. Saturday is my day off Perry, I don't fuckin' roll!

 

Even after ya'll are raptured, I'm still gonna be chillin'. Also, I won't have to shave!

Moms Wear Capes Too

So today is Mother's Day, whatever the fuck that means. On Krypton we didn't have any bullshit greeting card holidays (well, besides Krypton Day, Cape Day, Cake Day, and Cake Day II). Despite never celebrating this holiday until I crash landed on this dump about 75 years ago, I've come to garner a certain appreciation for it. I realize my mom is dead, as well as everyone else from my home planet (more or less), but she was pretty bad ass. I mean, she let my Dad put her only son in an experimental rocket to send him to a planet that may/may not even exist... wait, that sounds like terrible parenting...

Mom slapping a ho, Dad approves

First off, nothing gets the ladies more willing to bang your alien brains out than telling them (albiet super cool-like) that your mom is dead. Usually this shit works like 80% of the time, but on Mother's Day this line reaches Kryptonian strength. Combine that with the fact that I'm handsome as shit, and its a done deal.

 Yeah right, like I was even trying to break those chains... women

Secondly, it gives me a chance to burn Brucey boy. See, where I'm 100% over my Mom, Bruce still wakes up in puddles of his own man fluids (all of them) after having nightmares about 'ol Martha Wayne. Every time he knocks around a Joker in a joker mask, or slaps Robin, Batsy is thinking about how much he misses Mommy. I mean, I suppose I could time travel and bring her back to life. Maybe next year, for like a day... hmmm, better yet, I wonder what Martian Manhunter is doing today, I could use his shape-shifting antics. Anyhoo, have a Super Mother's Day ya'll, and don't forget, Moms love booze just as much as yours truly.

 

 HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY BRUCE!

Truth, Justice, and America Kicking Ass

So, unless you live in a cave (and aren't Batman) you probably know that Osama Bin Laden is dead. Actually, there are probably a lot of people living in caves who know this shit... fuck that was a terrible analogy. I'll blame Jimmy for that one. Anyway, so remember last week when I renounced my citizenship? That was so I could sneak int Pakistan, tell everyone that I wasn't a narc, then find out where that bearded motherfucker was hiding. Boom, a week later and guess what? Special forces move in and plus that son of a bitch. You know why it took 10 years? They've had Batman on the case. That's right, the guy who's afraid of bullets and doesn't like killing people. What a puss. Oh yeah, he also doesn't have x-ray vision, which makes me one million times better at finding anything, terrorists included.

I taught him everything he knows

So my boy Obama and I partied pretty fucking hard, but then we realized two things. One, we may be out of a job with the biggest terrorist butthole finally toast, and Two we may or may not have created a villain black hole that will only be filled with another villain of equal or greater villainocity. So I came up with a quick list of possible new threats, whilst comparing them to other villainous threats.

He'll be stealing 40 pies in no time...

Donald Trump (Lex Luthor): Let's face it, this one has been brewing for a long time. Obviously, I've had many a run in with the bald spoiled brat Lex, so I know a thing or two about fucking crazy, egotistical millionaires. Much like Lex being jealous of everything that is me (my powers, my muscles, my monstrous krytponian dong, my hair), Trump is jealous of Obama (his seat of power, his smooth voice, his monstrous human dong, his hair). Trump loves gold, hates immigrants, and demands to see hero's birth certificates. This leaves him one suit of power armor away from literally being Lex. I should probably punch his dumb ass out right now.

This isn't photoshopped... at all

 

Kim Jong Il (Dr. Light): Don't know how Dr. Light is? Good. He was this douche of a villain with the power to control light. More or less a Green Lantern without the jewelry and greenness. Not that powerful, not that smart, but he was one sick mother. Basically he liked to get a little too hands-on with female prisoners and heroes. So what did we do? We got our good friend Zatanna to erase his brain. Then when he remembered it all, Specter turned him into a giant candle and melted his ass (I'm serious). Anyway, he reminds me of Kimmy boy. First off, both these guys are crazy as fuck and think that they're the bomb. They both wear jump suits all the time too. Hell, Kim Jong Il claims to only hit hole-in-ones in golf, having played only a handful of times. Much like Dr. Light claiming to have touched Wonder Woman's no-no spot having never actually fought her. Okay Kimmy, keep bragging like that and we'll erase your brain too.

Rock Lobster

So some of you may not know, but I really think you Earth maggots have an unrealistic love of holidays. You place importance on some really stupid shit that in the end doesn't mean anything. I could list all of the holidays, and then replace whatever religous (whatever the fuck religion is) symbols with myself, and then you'd realize how shitty they were. I mean, just a few days ago ya'll celebrated the "fact" that some crumb-bum with a beard came back from the dead like a couple thousand years ago. SO WHAT? I've died, a lot of my friends have died, shit even stupid old Brucey Bruce has died and come back. No big deal, no holiday for Superman rising from the grave. Weak, Earthlings, reaaaaaal weak. Anyway, there is one holiday I got behind last week, and it makes just as much sense as giant egg slinging rabbits and old fat idiot jumping through chimney's: Four Twenty.

Helping a brother out

 

So that was a pretty good day, however, I may or may not have ingested some ACTUAL kryptonite. Seems these Earth kids like to name their smoking plants after green things or whatever... might have gotten the 'ol real krypty in there with the herbal kind... so I've been KO'd for a while. It also made me realize how much kryptonite pisses me off. If having to deal with Jimmy falling out of a window every hour, or the Earth constantly being invaded by douchbags isn't enough I have to deal with poisonous rocks. Thats right, seemingly these rare bits of my home planet have miraculously made it to Earth. For an event so fucking rare, there is like half of fucking Krypton on Earth. I can't take a dump anymore without some ass hat in a ski mask waving the green stuff in my face. Better yet, there is like 50 different version of the shit, all the colors of the fucking kryptonite rainbow.

And here is where I keep all my poisonous rocks

 

Yep, all different colored rocks do something different to the man of steel. Bullshit. I should probably know what they all do to me, but here is my best guess:

Green: I know this one. It makes me feel weak and puke everywhere. Basically it is tequila.

Red: This does whatever the fuck it feels like. It is the most bad ass of all kryptonites.

Who the fuck put that there?

 

Blue: The bomb stuff. Makes Bizarro poop his pants and makes me feel like... well Superman. Straight crack, too bad its not as common...

Take that ya retards!

Black: Makes me want to party all night and bang those chicks who normally would make me want to vomit. Also maybe rob a bank or two. This is the whiskey of kryptonite.

Orange: This sit is ridiculous. Gives my powers to animals. Who the fuck? Why is this even... gah.

Reason #1000 why orange kryptonite sucks

Gold: Pretty sure this turns me into Kanye. Jesus walks indeed!

Is that Vincent Price trying to be a bitch?

So when you think your life is shitty, be thankful you aren't being haunted by multi-colored rocks and that you're not Batman.

Super Spotlight 5: Rings are for Ladies

 A puppet? A PUPPET?! Fucking-A...

Been a while since I've done a Super Spotlight. You can call me lazy (which is like, half true... but when's the last time you saved a fucking planet?), but I don't exactly look forward to writing about people I don't like, i.e. everyone. Now, don't get me wrong, I love talking trash about these crumb bums, but the time it takes me to type this into my keyboard (without smashing it to minuscule bits) could be much better used doing nothing and/or drinking and/or pissing off Batman.

SUPER NOOGIE

 

Anyway, this spotlight is going to be on some numb nuts who flies around the universe like his shit don't stink. Obviously I'm talking about the super-narc Green Lantern (Hal Jordan specifically, don't get this twisted I like maybe two of the lanterns). Hal thinks he's all big and bad because some dying alien gave him a piece of jewelery. Yep, no dumbass lab accidents here, no wealthy billionaires, or amazon goddess. This clown got his super powers by literally being a shitty pilot.

It was either Hal, or a rock, in a coin flip, he chose Hal

 

So Hal gets this ugly ass green ring and suddenly becomes this intergalactic super cop. For the most part I have no beef with the fuzz. I basically do their job here on Earth, and I do it about 100% more efficiently than the Metropolis PD. However, these green lantern fools think they're like robocops or some shit. Hell no. If I fuck up just once and 'accidentally' blow up a planet, these guys will be on my ass faster than a pedobear at a playground, and Hal would be leading the charge. Hey assholes, where the fuck were you when Krypton blew up?

Exhibit A: A cocksucker in action

 

Without his silly little ring, Hal is completely feeble, like more feeble than Bruce. So basically if you hate Hal Jordan, just wait until he's doing his dishes or some shit and the blast him (he's paranoid about losing that thing to the garbage disposal). I mean, this clown used to have a weakness to, get this, the color yellow. WHAT? At least my weakness is to a physical thing, but a color? That's really gay.

 Who cares why he calls himself The Crumbler... he has YELLOW!

Whoops, sorry America, the bad guys have yellow paint, LOL

When an idiot wearing a suit made of yellow construction paper makes you quiver, you are not a super hero, you're a super pussy (who cares if you died and came back, we've all done that). There, I said it, Green Lantern is a super pussy.... and I hope his movie blows. KAL-EL OUT!

A Day at the Zoo

Sorry I've been absent from the blog-o-sphere for so long guys. Just kidding, I'm not sorry at all... in fact I don't even know if Kryptonians can feel the emotions involved with feeling sorry... fuck am I a robot again? Sonofa....

Believe it or not, this shit has happened more than once...

ANYWAY, as you may or may not know, life in the world of Kal has been fucking cray-cray as of late. I blew up the moon, replaced it with a super moon, and then I had to get the Fortress of Solitude fumigated for termites (ice mites?). So for the last few days I've been crashing at the JLA Watchtower aka the place I bring hot chicks I'm going to bang out when I want to make every other JLAer jealous. Up side of being at the watchtower is that I can constantly pester Aquaman into getting those T-Shirts made. The down side is pretty much everything else. The biggest bone I have with this place is the internet. Seriously, it's fucking 2011 and the Watchtower still has a dial-up connection? WTF?

Note, no where does it mention cable internet

 

As of right now I'm hovering about 100 feet above Wayne Manor, leeching Bruce's dope-ass connection with my kPad (Kryptonite iPad, this shit has Java and that's like the least cool thing about it). For about the last twenty minutes Bruce and his old man slave Alfie have been shooting a .22 hunting rifle at me. I don't know if they're missing on purpose, but they're both terrible fucking shots. I mean, 1) I'm not even moving and 2) I have a giant fucking bullseye on my chest in the shape of an S. Oh that's right, Batsy is too much of a woman to fire a gun. It would be like me being afraid of planets exploding because that's what killed my parents. Fuck that. I fear nothing.

Yeah, when this is a normal day, I really have stopped fearing anything

 

Anyway, going back to the fortress of solitude... or as I like to call it FoS. Some of you may not know this, but I have a fucking zoo in that bitch. All of these animals and freaky alien shits that are all the last of their kind. It looks like I'm being a really great guy, savings these animals and all that. Now don't get me wrong, the Super Menagerie has gotten me access to some pretty exclusive animals (*wink*), but I'm most definitely not doing it out of the kindness of my heart. No sir, don't get me confused with that PETA drop-out Animal Man. That dude falls into the category of: 'psychos who wear sunglasses at all times to appear less psycho'.

I take my last pic comment back, this guy fucking creeps me out

 

Hell no, I store those animals in there for three reasons:
1) Like I mentioned before, he helps me bang those dumb chicks who like birds and flowers and shit.
2) Hey, maybe I like to look at animals (aka watch them fuck, HILARIOUS! instant youtube gold)
3) I have eaten more species of animals than you will ever know exist.

Mmmmmm.... mini dinosaurs

 

That's right folks, I have eaten at least one of every animal I've ever seen. I'm pretty sure being a living Arc has granted me these special abilities... or at least super fire shits. LOL. Whoops, looks like Batsy is breaking out the kryptonite laced rounds. Catch ya later!

The Day After St Patrick's Day Day

So as I sit here at my desk at the Daily Planet I can't help but stare at my mortal co-workers and think about how stupid they are. I mean, just yesterday Lois jammed the copier, and Jimmy tried to fix it with fucking red kryptonite. Then Perry had a heart attack... fucking idiot. I had to turn into Superman to fix all that shit... I mean, will it kill you to hire some fucking IT guys? Sometimes I think that I'm on some sort of hidden camera show, but no one here is that clever... and by here I mean all of Metropolis. Now, on any given work day, I have this thought about once every hour. Today I can't stop thinking that. 

 Ladies and Gentlemen, these people have won Pulitzers...

Why today you ask? Why is it that on this Friday in March do I have less of an opinion for my co-workers than I do on any other day? Well, I finally have had enough of retarded Earth holidays. St. Patrick's Day? I don't need another reason to drink, or any reason to drink for that matter. Also what the fuck is a St. Patrick? Jimmy tried to explain it to me, but A) I wasn't listening and B) I never cared in the first place. However, I did convince him to get really drunk which was a hoot and a half. You ever see a ginger kid barf pure green? Reminded me of krypton. I'm pretty sure I puke green, but its been like 200000 years since I last puked. Anyway, Earthlings like to celebrate stupid shit. Whether it leprechauns (fuck that) or egg laying giant rabbits, you give them a reason to buy greeting cards and they go ape shit.

The punchline of an elaborate present getting scheme backfires

I've tried to enjoy your Earth holidays, I truly have but honestly, a good majority of them are lame as shit. Where's your Kick the Village Idiot Day? Where's your Titty Love Day? I mean, these are Kryptonian staples... Fuck this Earth Day, Flag Day, Love Day bullshit... wake me up when they make Spring Break an official holiday. Until then, Supes out!

That's right biddies, this way to the bikini contest